A quick catch-up for anyone who hasn’t been paying attention: Hollywood actor Tom Hanks had a son, Tom Hanks named that son Chester Hanks, Chester Hanks decided that he didn’t like the name Chester Hanks and starting calling himself Chet Haze, and then Chester Hanks became a rapper even though he’s Tom Hanks’ son and oh what’s the fucking point of anything I hate this stupid world.
Anyway, yesterday Chet Haze unveiled the video for his new song "Do It Better" on Twitter, to a breathless audience of about six people. There are no words to describe it, so let me describe it to you with screengrabs. And WORDS.
The video opens with credits. Like it’s a movie or something. Like it’s a Tom Hanks movie or something. But it isn’t a Tom Hanks movie. It’s a music video by Tom Hanks’ son, who is
Kevin Federline a rapper called Chet Haze. Let’s all do ourselves a favor and adjust our expectations accordingly.
Our first glimpse of Chet Haze. As you can see, Chet Haze has a bracelet with the word ‘CHET’ engraved on it. Juuuust in case he forgets his own name. Maybe it's a medical bracelet? Is he diabetic?
Here’s Chet, hanging out in the pretend bar that his dad built for him in a shed. It’s got everything - bottles, bored girls, a flatscreen TV that’s been completely obscured by a flower arrangement for some reason. But most of all, it’s got Chet Haze, wearing sunglasses in the dark and pointing to something offscreen. What's he pointing to? Is it something to do with his diabetes?
Chet Haze be in the club, sippin’ multipack Stella from soggy napkins. Chet Haze be outside the club, vomitin’ the multipack Stella all over the Forest Gump Oscar, dawg.
Obviously, whenever Chet Haze goes to a club, he finds himself surrounded by sexy ladies. And obviously, this is all just because the sexy ladies want to meet Chet Haze’s dad. And if that means they have to sleep with Chet Haze, and then spend a full afternoon afterwards drinking and crying and scraping at their vaginas with fistfuls of wire wool in the bath to do it, so be it. After all, this is Tom Hanks we’re talking about. Tom Hanks! The guy from The Green Mile!
So, Chet Haze has picked up a girl at the club, and now he’s putting the moves on her the only way he knows how - by stealing the keys to a showhome and feeling her up on an undersized sofa. TBF, we’ve all done it.
Hmm, there’s lots of this in the "Do It Better" video - Chet Haze almost kissing the girl but not quite managing it. I suspect this is for one of two reasons. Either a) the girl wanted twice as much money to actually touch Chet Haze with her mouth, or b) Chet Haze knew that Tom Hanks would be watching this. Oh god, Tom Hanks has watched this. I feel bad for Tom Hanks now.
And now, because Chet Haze hates you, here’s a Chet Haze view of what Chet Haze can see when he’s doing foreplay on a woman. What Chet Haze can see when he’s doing foreplay on a woman, incidentally, is a mixture of pity, sympathy, disappointment and revulsion.
Two points from this image. Point number one: Chet Haze has a tattoo that reads ‘AUDENTES FORTUN IUVAT’, which seems like a typo because it translates to ‘FORTUNE FAVORS THE BOLD’ and not ‘FORTUNE FAVORS SHITWADS WITH MILLIONAIRE DADS THAT PREVENT THEM FROM GETTING A REAL JOB’. Point number two: oh Jesus we’re going to see it going in, aren’t we? Oh Jesus.
Oh, we’re not. Instead we get this - a close-up of Chet Haze’s massive, entitled, slightly cross-eyed, lipgloss-wearing, diabetes face. I hate this stupid world.
Follow Stu on Twitter @StuHeritage