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Glastonbury 2014: Things We Can Never Unsee

Here’s some things we can remember by piecing together photographs and notes on our phones.
Ryan Bassil
London, GB

So, in case you didn't know, we hit up Glastonbury - the biggest music festival in the world - this weekend. We're almost finished banging on about it now but here’s a few more things we can remember by piecing together photographs and things on our phones:

The Black Butter Party Was Great

We stumbled into this guy at Love Bullets – a small club in Shangri-Hell named because the walls are made out of recycled shotgun shells. I don’t really remember what happened. But here are two key facts:


- This guy had become terminally bewildered his portable water device.

- Someone behind the decks dropped a new song by SOPHIE. I’ve pieced two separate conversations together and - EXCLUSIVE! - SOPHIE has a song called “Lemonade” featuring PC Music’s Hannah Diamond.

The celebrities named their little VIP winnebago compound “Prang-tanamo Bay”

Posted without comment:

But we mostly bumped into the least-famous people in existence

Just got chatted up by dom from dick and dom #glastonbury #lowpoint

— Anwen Breading (@Anwenb) June 27, 2014

Sure Bradley Cooper and Noel Gallagher were there, but never mind that, we saw Matt Allwright from Rogue Traders - the mini-show within BBC1 consumer affairs programme Watchdog - and either Dick or Dom (but to be honest, whether it’s Dick or Dom, it’s always Dick).

Climbing inside Arcadia is fucking terrifying

At 2am Saturday night we decided it would be a good idea to get inside the giant fire-breathing spider in the middle of Arcadia. As balls of fire exploded in every direction around us, Seth Troxler tried his best to DJ while we took pictures of his head.

The Hospitality Wristbands Look Like They’re From a Super-Club in Space

Our favourite part about Glastonbury is the wristband. Sure, the entire weekend will be spent doing things that are infinitely more exciting than the partnering of coloured threads on a piece of patterned cotton, but that’s a given. What we don’t know - at least until we arrive - is what the wristband will look like. It could be bright pink with blue sparkles, black with a tapestry of red lions fornicating around the edge, or pure white with the word Glastonbury embossed in gold lettering.

This year was incredibly exciting - the wristbands resembled some sort of entry mechanism for a super-club in a far-away galactic system rather than a field in Somerset. It made me feel cojoined to the future - sort of like how We felt when we first saw an iPod but with a textile that some people will leave on their body for the next five years, happily drooping it in their cereal.


A Boutique in Shangri-La Had a Wall Made of Vaginas

Shangri-La is full of places that fascinate the sort of people that used to get turned on by the sex, puberty, and reproduction section in GCSE science books.

Dolly Parton made everyone blub

Not since they showed the Adele concert on New Year’s Day has the collective comedown of thousands been so easily taken advantage of. While most people were expecting some kistch fun in the slot previously held by Neil Diamond and Tony Christie - people weren’t ready for the emotional gospel notes of “Banks Of The Ohio” and “I Will Always Love You”. Ket-strewn tears were on every face in the Pyramid stage.

A guy backstage had the best mobility scooter ever

And, sensing that everyone knew he had the best mobility scooter in the world, he refused to leave until we had all had a ride.

Disclosure put on the show of their lives

Disclosure’s live show is quite an unpredictable beast. Sometimes when they’re playing 3pm at some festival where people aren’t that into them it all feels a bit futile. But when they came on to headline the Sunday night at West Holts they had fire in their bellies. Bringing on just about every collaborator from their album (except for London Grammar who had the misfortune of playing at the same time) they smashed through each track from Settle like it was 5am and they were closing Pacha on the seventh moon of Jupiter.

A Girl Got Caught Doing Poppers on Live TV During Disclosure's Set

We didn’t actually see this in real time but thanks to Limmy it will exist forever. I really hope this is what happened when she arrived home: - The house appears empty. But when she walks into the lounge she finds her parents sitting on the sofa. They don’t say anything. Instead they switch on the TV. - Limmy’s Vine plays on a continuous loop. - Her parents are silent. - Limmy’s Vine keeps playing. - Forever.

They played really distressing music on the bus home

In any other circumstance, listening to this song would be perfect. But on the bus home from a five-day festival it was not ideal. I’d already begun to feel that everyone was out to get me and a local DJ pumping happy hardcore at dawn really made me have serious doubts about mortality (and the type of people that text in to local radio at 5am Monday morning). This was made worse by the bus driver who decided, yeah, fuck it, this is a banger. Let’s blast it. I didn’t think things could get worse but…

Then they played this

Maybe everyone has been on a permanent comedown since before the Olympics and that’s how Emili Sande sold so many records. I mean, that's the only reason I'm able to think of. This song had way too many feels. Follow Ryan and Sam on Twitter: @RyanBassil @SamWolfson All photos by Jake Lewis (except the wall of vaginas and the ones that are taken from Instagram, obviously) @Jake_Photo 13 Things Every Glastonbury Virgin Should Learn Before They Attend How to go to a Festival in your Twenties