Welcome to RATED AND SLATED, the column that is terminally online so you don’t have to be.
Whenever the reply guys have me feeling bad about my “pathetic excuse of a career,” I think, “oh well, at least I’m not a political journalist.”
I mean, you sacrifice your health, jeopardize your social life, and miss out on time with the family to get on the White House beat where you can enjoy such perks as inhaling Donald Trump’s recycled hamburger breath during an intercontinental flight on Air Force One.
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But the president neither respects nor understands your work and, when the credible threat of an Iranian missile being fired at the plane is detected, he’ll happily sacrifice your life, swapping flights by hiding in the catering truck like a weird, morbidly obese James Bond.
So I think I’ll just stick to writing about dank memes and AI videos, since brainrot appears to be the only thing that the U.S. and Iran can agree on.
rated
Yung Lean’s “Robotboy”
On his new cover of Robyn’s “Robotboy”, Jonatan somehow sounds both younger and older than ever before. Robyn says that the track is like he’s “singing this lullaby to the person he once was.” It reminds me of those little tunes we used to chant in the schoolyard while playing childish games as a way of slowly learning about the grown-up world. “Jack and Jill” to warn us about unprotected sex. “Knick-Knack Paddy Whack” to warn us about old men. And “99 Bottles of Beer” to warn us about the pitfalls of an inadequately stocked fridge. Speaking of schoolyards, Jonatan famously looks like the kid from the Bully video game, but somehow, through all the scraps and brawls, he’s managed to keep ahold of his innocence. When you’re listening to Yung Lean, you can tell he’s in your corner. Gang!
MARIO 64: WAR ON TERROR
Gamers spent the 90s arguing about which console was superior. But after the horrors of 9/11, it was Super Mario who hunted down and executed Osama bin Laden—where was the Commie peacenik Sonic through all of this? You might be fast, hedgehog boy, but these colors don’t run.
DRINKING ALCOHOL AGAIN AFTER SEVEN YEARS SOBER
If this photograph is anything to go by Brad Pitt is spending his first night “back off the wagon” sinking Miller Lites down the bowling alley with his good friends Donny and The Dude. He claims to be drinking “in a more restrained manner,” but if someone’s toe slips over the line in a league game he’s pulling out a handgun and warning them about his world of pain.
“THE WILL TO POWER(CHORD)”
Short video content is great: once you had to spend an evening getting stoned with a Vietnam vet to learn how Jimi Hendrix let you reach higher planes of consciousness, now you can access this kind of forbidden knowledge from the comfort of your own bathroom. Before you’ve queued “Purple Haze” on the Bluetooth speaker, the algorithm has served up a new video of Sydney Sweeney in swimwear and now you’re lying in the tub with strange feelings in your gut. Talk about the Ultimate Dionysian sound bath.
LIVING TO 122
No one tell this guy about Jeanne Calment. If he finds out a chain-smoking French woman lived to 122 detectives will be wiping bits of his exploded head off the laptop screen. I’ll be covering my mouth in shock as pieces of skull and gray matter fly towards the camera, like damn, maybe how long you live isn’t as important as the way you pass.
slated
“SOMETHING IN THE WAY” BY CHET HANKS
I quit being a pescatarian after learning Kurt Cobain was wrong about fish not having feelings. If they can experience pain, so can the jacked failson of a famous Hollywood actor, so I’ll refrain from saying how I really feeling about Chet’s version of “Something in the Way,” except to point out that if you’re recording Nirvana covers that sound like they’re being played by Limp Bizkit bassist Sam Rivers (RIP) then something has gone very badly wrong. In fact, the only way your white boy summer could have turned out worse would be if you ended up living underneath an actual bridge.
THE CINDY WORKOUT
Actually, Cindy wasn’t the name of the workout, but the personal trainer who was inexplicably wearing high-heeled boots and a latex mini-dress and kept hitting me with a riding crop the whole time I was exercising in her dungeon (they’ll call gyms anything these days). Afterwards, I was completely monstered, and come to think of it, this is the first CrossFit session where I needed a safe word. Maybe I should’ve known something was up when she made me put on a ball gag. Well, I’ll be back there tomorrow. After all, fitness is a lifelong commitment.
KENDRICK LAMAR’S “NOT LIKE US“ AS A SORORITY RUSH ANTHEM
You might not have realized, but in the title of Kendrick Lamar’s infamous 2024 diss track, the “us” does actually include sorority girls. In fact, the “they” is really only Canadians. Now the campus has been cleared of colonizers (including Drake), college baddies with matching tracksuits and perfectly straightened hair can perform choreographed dances with their mobile phone torches to celebrate The Culture.
“HOW YEAT SOUNDS WHEN UR NOT 15 ANYMORE”
Don’t worry, if you think AI Family Guy rage-rap is “tuff” then you’re probably not alone. The more brain-fried reaction is to look at the above post and assume that it’s not about the 21st century American rapper Yeat, but rather the 20th century Irish poet W. B. Yeats. “Things fall apart,” that much is clear either way. “The centre cannot hold, bitch!”
Speaking about the unexpected collision between bad rapping and the kind of beautiful art no one cares about any more because the literacy rate is in hell…
WILL THE REAL STEPHEN DEDALUS PLEASE STAND UP?
It’s bad news for the lit bros. While you’re still struggling to get through Ulysses with the aid of multiple reading guides, this kid has already polished off Finnegans Wake and now he’s rapping about it. If that doesn’t have you feeling as pitiful as Leopold Bloom, then just wait for his next trick: a devastating couplet rhyming “cuck” with “bababadalgharaghtakamminarronnkonnbronntonnerronntuonnthunntrovarrhounawnskawntoohoohoordenenthurnuk.” (At which point, it might be time for the James Joyce estate to look into what how these LLMs are being trained).
Follow Adam on Instagram @yungtolstoi
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