Happy last day of April. Lots of shitty things happened in the world of music this month so let’s put our rubber boots on and start climbing Shit Mountain, shall we?
Hey, did you know we’ve trained gorillas to communicate via sign language and it turns out they sound like Neil Degrasse Tyson compared to Emmure? The band dropped a new album this month called Some Victory Records Abortion and it’s full of lyrics a grounded teenager would write:
America’s most domestic disputey nu-hair metal band, Falling In Reverse, contributed to the new Punk Goes 90s comp along with 11 other bands that wouldn’t be considered punk even if there were no other genres of music. And since Ronnie Radke is still under the delusion that dudes who look like Edward Scissorhands at a tattoo convention should be rapping, they covered Coolio’s “Gangsta’s Paradise.” Obviously.:
Speaking of Ronnie Radke, the dude is on the cover of the Tiger Beat of punk rock, Kerrang Magazine, this month. Not sure what the story is about since we don’t have any 12-year-old nieces we could borrow a copy from but judging from the accompanying online fanboy listicle “Ronnie Radke’s 9 Greatest Moments,” we’re assuming it’s like a long, tender handjob in word-form. Hey, we can make lists of Big Ron’s greatest achievements too! Check it out:
9. Spitting on fans and calling them faggots.
8. The time he got arrested for beating up his girlfriend.
7. The time he did two and a half years in prison after breaking parole for a battery charge.
6. Making the worst album of all time.
5. Making the worst video of all time.
4. Making the second worst, vaguely racist video of all time.
3. Being on the covers of several worthless magazines.
2. His rap project.
1. Covering “Gangsta’s Paradise.”
Candiria reminded us why no one’s been listening to Candiria for the last 20 years with this new song that mixes free jazz with bland hardcore. Remember, it’s jazz so you have to listen to the notes they’re NOT playing, which should be all of them.
You’d think having a frontman hiring a hitman to put a bullet in his wife would be enough to break up a band, but not As I Lay Dying! They are determined to keep spreading their awful metalcore to the weightlifting masses. Or not. The band released a statement on their official website about the band’s future, but then the band members who are not currently spooning up with a large man named Prison Bob released their “official” statement about the band’s future. Lots of conflicting stories here. So in an attempt to clarify things, here are the facts as we know them: As I Lay Dying is a shitty band. More on that as it unfolds.
made an acoustic album. Their two remaining fans are divided on it.
Person who was famous once Avril Lavigne has resorted to the last straw of decreasingly relevant pop star: Pretending to be a Japanese pop star. Check out her three-minute long Sanrio commercial called “Hello Kitty” where Avril stops just short of pulling out the “Me ruv you rong time” bit. Never thought we’d say this, but we’re kind of feeling like the Nickelback dude got the short end of the stick in that marriage.
Godfather of shitty hair music Bret Michaels found some time between botox appointments to remind all the young’uns out there that they’ll never, ever match his unparalleled status as a talentless ego rocker. Check out his new video for “A Beautiful Soul” below. Recommended for people who thought the Heaven Is For Real soundtrack was too hard:
Christian hardcore band Reformers released this lyric video for “Abomination” which is about to become the hottest song of the summer… to beat up gay people to. (To be fair, they did post a clarification video about how it’s not about hating homosexuals. It’s so weird that people could have interpreted it that way just from listening to the lyrics which are very clearly about hating homosexuals.)
What’s our old buddy Rob Thomas up to these days? Oh, just covering the Gaslight Anthem, apparently:
And lastly, there’s this guy.:
Aaaaaand that’ll do it for humanity. Shut it down.