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Sorry Miley Cyrus, But You’re Not Ratchet

Her dad is Billy Ray Cyrus, for a start.
Ryan Bassil
London, GB

Watching Miley Cyrus is like witnessing an identity crisis in real time. In the past few years she’s evolved from a Disney Channel mainstay looking for her first party in the USA, to a twerking Justin Bieber look-alike with about as much personality as a slogan-led t-shirt from IT’S A HOT SHOP FOR COOL PEOPLE…LOLZ!

I’m not sure who Miles is beyond an internet meme and I’m not sure that, beyond choosing which artist to ape next, even she knows. But, I am sure that she wants to be ratchet, a term that’s been floating around long before the first COMME DES FUCKDOWN beanie appeared on a #nofilter Instagram account.

Lil’ Millz isn’t just begging to put her postmark on a lower level A$AP member’s penis; she’s probably paying a team of intern graduates to craft her into a living breathing version of #raptwitter, which makes it all the more disappointing that there are GCSE students with more legitimate credentials. I’m sorry Miley Ray Cyrus, you’re not ratchet and you’re never going to be.

Because I know that someone has meticulously thought about it – Cyrus is a multi-million dollar vehicle, of course she can pay someone to think up her own five-year plan - I’m going to outline the things that Miley thinks are ratchet, and shoot them down, one by one, just because I can.

SHE CAN TWERK