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We Crashed Your Coachella Party

Life hack: You don’t actually have to go to Coachella to go to Coachella.
April 15, 2014, 6:00pm

Photos by Kyle Ward

[Editor’s Note: Coachella is a paradise for music lovers. If you’re a youngish, hip human who enjoys partying until your toenails fall off, well, it’s got that too, in the form of fancy-ass ragers happening in Palm Springs all weekend. We sent our party correspondent/caps lock enthusiast/unchained id incarnate @BOYTWEETSWORLDX to see how many parties he could get into and what sort of trouble he could cause while at them. This is his story.]

Life hack: You don’t actually have to go to Coachella to go to COACHELLA. Maybe I'm going to sound too much like Selena Gomez in Spring Breakers when I say this, but my life changed two years ago when one of my friends exposed me to a little thing called "Coachella Parties." Although I had a ticket to the fest, I got so caught up the ecstasy of lounging by the pool, taking advantage of all the free food/alcohol/other shit, on top of seeing everyone I wanted to see at the festival anyway without having to go into a literal desert, that I ended up only going to the last hour of the fest (but saw Rihanna come out for Calvin Harris, and cried). This was 2012, the first year Coachella decided to have the same festival two consecutive weekends, marking the death of the special "you had to be there" feeling that makes a music festival what is in the first place. I vowed to never waste $300 on a ticket ever again, and since I don't have any more student loan money to waste on music festivals anyway, the parties have become a very economic turn up for a college grad living with mad debt.

FILTER YACHT CLUB

Fav Thing: HAD AN ORGASM EATING AN ENTIRE PLATTER OF MANGO BRUSCHETTA THEN PROCEEDED TO EAT EVEN MORE PIECES I FOUND AND PICKED UP OFF THE GROUND
Worst Thing: BEING BLOWN AWAY BY A SAND STORM CAUSED BY TRUCKS PASSING THROUGH THE DIRT ROAD IN FRONT OF THE PARTY
Best Swag: WHOLE FOODS CATERING WITH MANGO BRUSCHETTA, CALIFORNIA QUINOA, STRAWBERRY COCONUT KALE SALAD, CEVICHE IN YUNG MARTINI GLASSES, AND A CANDY BAR WITH LEMON, RASPBERRY, AND VANILLA COVERED PRETZELS, AND GREEN TEA CHAI COVERED ALMONDS THAT WE TOOK 72 BAGS HOME OF BUT COMPLETELY MELTED BECAUSE WE FORGOT THEM IN THE CAR
Shit We Got Into: WITNESSED THE SIMPEST GIRLS IN FLOWER CROWNS RUNNING UP TO THE CHECK-IN BOOTH AND STEALING ALL THE REMAINING SHEETS OF V.I.P. WRISTBANDS SO WE HAD TO GET REG, TOOK A SELFIE WITH MAYER HAWTHORNE IN THE DJ BOOTH THEN TOLD HIM TO PLAY LOYAL, WATCHED MEXICANS DAGGERING TO FLEETWOOD MAC, DANCED STANDING BETWEEN TWO TRAILERS OF A MOVING TRUCK DRIVING THROUGH A SAND STORM BACK TO OUR CAR

THE ACE HOTEL: DESERT GOLD/TILLY’S X DICKIES DESERT LOUNGE

Fav Thing: @CULTRA_ARTLUC’S CORNROWS
Worst Thing: DYLAN RIEDER NOT BEING THERE
Best Swag: HAIRCUTS AT THE LAYRITE POP-UP BARBER SHOP
Shit We Got Into: DRANK MIMOSAS POOLSIDE WITH CAILIN RUSSO, TRAPPED TO FLOSSTRADAMUS ON THE DANCEFLOOR ALL ALONE, LINGERED SKATER BROS DOING TRICKS ON THE LITERAL SKATE RAMP THEY CONTRUCTED FOR THE PARTY

THE SAGUARO DESERT WEEKENDER: OPENING CEREMONY X TEVA

Fav Thing: DANCING WITH ALL MY INTERNET FRIENDS DURING FKA TWIGS PERFORMANCE AND KINGDOM’S DJ SET
Worst Thing: THE SPICY MARGARITA FROM THE OPEN BAR BURNING MY MOUTH
Best Swag: OPENING CEREMONY X TEVA SANDALS, T-SHIRT, SOCKS, AND MESH TOTE BAG
Shit We Got Into: TWEETED A PIC EXPRESSING MYSELF ON A LAMBO OUSIDE THE HOTEL THEN DIPLO RESPONDING “WHO PARKED MY CAR?,” A TWITTER FAN MAKING A VINE OF ME TWERKING TO LOYAL, LINGERED DUDLEY O’SHAUGNESSY, THE FACT I’M DATING KINGDOM

LED DAY CLUB @The Hard Rock Palm Springs

Fav Thing: PEDRO FROM FOOL’S GOLD
Worst Thing: GETTING KICKED OUT THE CABANA BC WE DIDN’T HAVE THE RIGHT WRISTBAND, LACERTING MY KNEES TWERKING ON THE GROUND FOR A-TRAK, BLEEDING EVERYWHERE
Best Swag: LED DAY CLUB BEACH TOWEL THAT I IMMEDIATELY LOST TWO SECONDS LATER
Shit We Got Into: THIS RANDOM ASS WHITE GIRL THIZZING SO HARD COMING UP TO ME AND MY FRIENDS SAYING “I KNOW YOU’RE TRUE RAVERS”

DETAILS AT MIDNIGHT

Fav Thing: STANDING ON A BOTTLE SERVICE TABLE DANCING WITH ALL MY FRIENDS CELEBRATING FRIENDSHIP UNTIL THE PARTY WAS OVER
Worst Thing: PEOPLE NOT BEING PLUR REFUSING TO SHARE THEIR TEEPEE
Best Swag: PATRON INFUSED ICE CREAM SANDWICHES
Shit We Got Into: ATE “THE MISSION” GRILLED CHEESE CUZ BAY AREA, THRIVING WITH ENCINITAS BROS TO STAY THE NIGHT, GAVE A SPEECH IN THE TRANSPORATION SHUTTLE VAN SAYING “IT’S A GREAT TIME TO BE YUNG, THANK YOU ALL FOR BEING PART OF MY NIGHT”

LACOSTE BEAUTIFUL DESERT POOL PARTY

Fav Thing: KENDALL JENNER’S NOSE RING PUBLICITY STUNT
Worst Thing: MY IPHONE BEING DEAD BEFORE I GOT IN ON SUNDAY AND THERE BEING NO CHARGING LOUNGE THIS YEAR, THERE NOT BEING ENOUGH TIME TO TAKE A GROUP PIC IN THE TENNIS COURT BOUNCE HOUSE PHOTO BOOTH OR MAKE D.I.Y. TIE DYE PLATFORM TENNIS SHOES, GETTING THE BOTTLE OF MOET WITH A DIAMOND ENCRUSTED CROCODILE ON IT THAT I FOUND CONFISCATED FROM ME BY SECURITY
Best Swag: LACOSTE SWAG BAG INCLUDING THREE T-SHIRTS, THREE BOTTLES OF COLOGNE, A NEON YELLOW RAVE HAT, AND YEAR SUPPLY OF BEACH TOWELS
Shit We Got Into: ATE KUNG PAO CHICKEN TACOS, CHICKEN PESTO CREPES, AND PATRON INFUSED POPSICLES, DRANK SUJA ORGANIC PRESSED JUICE PATRON MARGARITAS OUT OF A COCONUT, FED ZOE KRAVITZ PIZZA WHILE SHE PERFORMED LOLAWOLF, TOOK A SELFIE WITH STEVEN TYLER

FOREVER 21 CRANECHELLA PARTY IN THE SKY

Fav Thing: A GIRL COMING UP TO ME AND SAYING SHE THINKS I AM THE VOICE OF OUR GENERATION, I CRIED
Worst Thing: THE LITERAL DRIP OF CHAMPAGNE THEY WERE GIVING OUT IN THE OPEN BAR
Best Swag: SOMEONE. STOLE. MY. SWAG. BAG. BUT THE TACOS WERE CHILL
Shit We Got Into: WATCHED AZEALIA BANKS PERFORM FROM INSIDE A TRAILER SUSPENDED BY TWO CRANES 72 FEET ABOVE GROUND, TOOK A WIG OFF A MANNEQUIN IN V.I.P. AND STARTED VOGUEING ON THE DANCEFLOOR WITH IT, NAPPED AND WOKE UP TO ALL MY FRIENDS DEVISING A PLAN ON HOW TO BREAK INTO JEREMY SCOTT

JEREMY SCOTT ADIDAS @Frank Sinatra’s Twin Palms Estate

Fav Thing: A-TRAK’S ALL DRAKE SET INTO A SPECIAL GUEST APPEARANCE BY A$AP ROCKY WHILE ALL MY FRIENDS GOT INTO THE PARTY TO SHABBA RANKS, WALSHY FIYA INSTAGRAMMING A PIC OF ME, DIPLO, A-TRAK, AND RITA ORA CAPTIONED #TheseHoesAintLoyal
Worst Thing: KATY PERRY KICKING EVERYONE OUT OF THE PARTY SCREAMING “EVERYBODY GO HOME, KEEP YOUR RECEIPT!”
Best Swag: GETTING IN
Shit We Got Into: TWERKED WITH SOLANGE, TOLD ZOE KRAVITZ SHE WAS AN ALIEN GODDESS, HAD SEX WITH WILLY CARTIER ON FRANK SINATRA’S BED, TRIED TO TAKE A SELFIE WITH CHANEL IMAN AND GOT BEAT UP BY A$AP MOB (AGAIN), TRIED TO TAKE A SELFIE WITH ROBERT PATTINSON BUT HE WASN’T DOWN, STAYED UP ALL NIGHT WITH MY FRIENDS IN OUR HOTEL ROOM SENDING DIPLO INSTAGRAM DIRECT MESSAGES OF US EXPRESSING OURSELVES, SLEPT FOR TWO SECONDS, WOKE UP TO HAVE BRUNCHELLA IN PALM SPRINGS

WILD STYLE DESERT ESCAPE POOL PARTY

Fav Thing: NASIR MAZHAR MALE MODELS POURING CHAMPAGNE ON ME AS I DID A NAKED BURLESQUE PERFORMANCE IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE PARTY DURING VENUS X’S DJ SET
Worst Thing: BEING TOO FULL FROM BRUNCH TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHIPOTLE CATERING
Best Swag: NASIR MAZHAR TANK TOP
Shit We Got Into: GOT DRUNK OFF ASAHI AND LINGERED MY WAY INTO A JAPANESE STREETWEAR GANG

TIL NEXT YEAR COACHELLA PARTIES

Jazper does not respect your laws. He's on Twitter - @BOYTWEETSWORLDX