All photos (except the one above, duh) by Angel EspinozaNot all music festivals are created equal, and the same can be said for the bros who attend them. At Coachella, I was overwhelmed by the amount of hot-ass bros, to the point where I was certain that they outnumbered every other genre of person. Meanwhile, at FYF the selection of hot bros was scarce, my thirst for attractive dudes in dumb tank tops only being exacerbated by the drought in California. Out of the thousands of flower crown thots and L.A. Alts in attendance, I struggled to pick out dudes in the crowd who were up to my exceptionally high bro standards. I couldn’t even find a single man bun bro who was even moderately hot. Perhaps I’m only capable of finding hot bros when I’m blacked out, but I’m not to blame; music deemed as “alternative” lends itself more to frail, cracked out Julian Casablanca-ass looking dudes, rather than the alpha males with godly physiques of the tru raverz I saw in the desert. When I did happen to come across a hot bro however, I immediately collapsed to the ground, screeching at his rarity. These are the only hot bros I could find at FYF, along with their Instagram handles so you can adequately stalk them.
Hooked up with this bro in the V.I.P. trailer bathrooms while wearing his SpongeBob party hat, also used his razor-sharp pelvic muscles to cut off my media wristband as soon as the fest was over.
THE SUAVE HAIRDRESSER BRO AKA JOHNNY BRAVBRO (@mateoitis)
This hair-dresser looks so much like skate heart throb Dylan Rieder. I have fantasies about what he uses to perfectly coif that glistening pompadour of his. Not to mention that brooding squint that just pierces into your soul, papiiiiiiiiiii.
THE FREE-SPIRITED FUCCBRO AKA THE MISGUIDED BROGA (@mayorpizza)
Only someone this hot could wrap a white table cloth around his body, throw a keffiyeh over his head, and come with one of the strongest looks I saw at FYF, which is why it’s no surprise that he has his own clothing line. I also have a fetish for the sunken cheeks-smoking a joint combo. Anything can be a fetish.
These dudes who do music videos and shit scalped $7200 festival wristbands off Craigslist just to see The Strokes. On top of their good looks, their investment to their personal brand is truly commendable.
Meet Patrick. Patrick has been playing the cello professionally for 16 years. I wonder if he'll let me play with his instrument.
THE ARTIST, POET, AND BRODEL AKA DEREK BROOLANDER (@victorross2)
As if being devastatingly hot wasn't enough, this model is also an artist AND a poet AND my boyfriend. And by “my boyfriend,” I mean I actually met him at a different music festival a few months ago.Jazper Abellera is willing to go to the ends of the goddamn earth to find a hot bro. He's on Twitter - @BOYTWEETSWORLDX
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Please take me back to Coachella where every bro literally resembles this guy. He’s perfect.
Hooked up with this bro in the V.I.P. trailer bathrooms while wearing his SpongeBob party hat, also used his razor-sharp pelvic muscles to cut off my media wristband as soon as the fest was over.
This hair-dresser looks so much like skate heart throb Dylan Rieder. I have fantasies about what he uses to perfectly coif that glistening pompadour of his. Not to mention that brooding squint that just pierces into your soul, papiiiiiiiiiii.
Only someone this hot could wrap a white table cloth around his body, throw a keffiyeh over his head, and come with one of the strongest looks I saw at FYF, which is why it’s no surprise that he has his own clothing line. I also have a fetish for the sunken cheeks-smoking a joint combo. Anything can be a fetish.
Meet Patrick. Patrick has been playing the cello professionally for 16 years. I wonder if he'll let me play with his instrument.
As if being devastatingly hot wasn't enough, this model is also an artist AND a poet AND my boyfriend. And by “my boyfriend,” I mean I actually met him at a different music festival a few months ago.Jazper Abellera is willing to go to the ends of the goddamn earth to find a hot bro. He's on Twitter - @BOYTWEETSWORLDX