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This Month in Shitty Music: July 2014

Brooklyn girls, metalcore and a thoroughly pointless award show.

Holy fuck, this was a monumental month for shitty music. Something about that summer heat, making music extra shitty. Let's dig in to this hot pile of garbage…

One of the vapid shitbags who played one of the vapid shitbags on Gossip Girl, Taylor Momsen, dropped a director's cut of her VERY EDGY video by her VERY EDGY hard rawk band, The Pretty Reckless, and it is VERY EDGY (Very Edginess copyrighted by VEVO, all rights reserved). This is what happens when the girls with flower crowns catch a metal band’s set at Coachella. So this one’s on you, Deafheaven!

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The dudes from As I Lay Dying who are not the murder-your-wife guy have a new band called We Definitely Didn’t Murder Our Wives and are about to release a new album, produced by Bill Stevenson. Daaamn, Bill. Here’s hoping they drove a dump truck full of cash up to your house to be stuck in the studio with this Chinese water torture-level shit:

The phrase “Kurt Cobain’s corpse getting violently anally reamed” gets thrown around a lot these days. But behold this. The most LA-fame-hungry Nirvana cover of all time, by something called Diamante. Hey, rich music producers: When you tell your spoiled little shit kids that they’re special, we get musical abortions like this:

If your interests include man tits and grown-ass men who dress like pirates, check out these dorks. Someone should renew that Pickup Artist show so these dudes can put down the guitars and get back to macking on bar skanks:

The Gathering of the Juggalos happened last week which is why the air feels a whole lot methy-er.

It must’ve be a slow month for manga porn because the dude from My Chemical Romance had time to make a solo album. Your cousin Wendy who is way too old to be wearing black lipstick is so super stoked on it.

Remember BrokeNCYDE? Yeah, we didn’t think so. Just thought we’d bring it up because they put out this new song and crunkcore is somehow even more hilarious now:

Speaking of bands who continue to make music despite losing the only recognizable member, the non-Scott Stapp dudes from Creed have a band called Alter Bridge. They just released a video that looks like something a first year animation student would turn in and get a C. While we’re on the subject of Scott Stapp, don’t miss his tour of county fairs this summer. Lord knows there are plenty of tickets left.

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Some girl from Virginia put on a Brooklyn costume and made this “Brooklyn Girls” video that went viral, partly because of us. Yo, that’s our bad, y’all. Sorry about that. Stop by and we’ll make it up to you by giving you carte blanche on this huge box of laughable metal CDs and rap demos we've got sitting here. Music writing is G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S!:

Some industrial electro band called Combichrist thought it would be a real swell idea to take noted pedophiles Blood on the Dance Floor out on tour. Wait, sorry, alleged pedophiles. They have been accused of allegedly banging a fuckton of 15 year olds. Anyways, so Combichrist forgot to run “Blood on the Dance Floor” through a quick AskJeeves search beforehand, but once they did, they pulled out of that tour faster than Blood on the Dance Floor when they go rawdogging at Warped Tour. Anyone wanna fill in on the Combichrist tour? Must have experience not diddling every high schooler with a lip ring.

Betraying the Martyrs made a video that looks like if Georgia O’Keeffe got super into hanging out at the Rockstar Mayhem Festival. Really digging that crustache, bro! Definitely doesn’t make you look like a pedo-Jesus at all!

And lastly, neverelevant music magazine Alternative Press thought it would be a cool idea to throw an award show this month, because if anyone should be entrusted with selecting which musicians deserve to be honored, it’s the 13-year-olds who hang Alternative Press covers on their wall and make out with them when no one’s looking. Shit was predictably hilarious. Pierce the Veil won the night, taking home 28,000 awards, including Best Live Band, Best Drummer, and Band Most Likely To Seem Outdated By The Time They Get On Stage To Accept The Award. Also picking up awards that will eventually be hot commodities at pawn shops when this whole metalcore well runs dry were Bring Me The Horizon, Of Mice & Men, Crown The Empire, and a bunch of today’s hottest metal boy bands. The magazine also tried to give themselves some semblance of legitimacy by throwing Slash a bone with some bullshit guitar award. Even our boy Billy Corgan picked up an award for Artist Who Has Gone The Longest Amount Of Time Without Doing Anything To Merit An Award, presented by Doritos Locos Tacos.

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Something about being out in the total daylight of Cleveland that exposes the fact that maybe this was not a banner moment in the history of rock music?:

AP also gave the award for Most Dedicated Fanbase to Black Veil Brides and the band turned around and gave it some girl in the audience. You know you’re handing out worthless awards when dudes who dress like cancer patient KISS are all, “Ehhhh, 'preciate the thought, but we’re good, bro.” Then he played with Jerry Only and bummed out everyone who actually remembered the Misfits:

Oh, and speaking of Black Veil Brides and all these very prestigious AP Award recipients, remember to flip on Tinder when you get to Warped Tour for your chance to win an award of your own: Hep-C!

Be safe out there, e’rrybody.

Send Dan Ozzi shitty music tips on Twitter - @danozzi

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Also check out the last time we weren't too lazy to update this column:

This Month in Shitty Music: April 2014