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Music

Fat Joe's Tax Evasion And Other Rappers Who've Gone To Jail For Lame Reasons

From stabbing someone in the butt to having a hissy fit over a girl's phone.

Photo via Getty Images

With the news that currently-not-so-Fat Joe is to begin a four-month stint in jail for tax evasion, which is hardly as badass as faking your own death, we decided to celebrate the rappers who have gone to prison for even moister reasons than not declaring how many Terror Squad chains they own. I mean, Big Lurch ate his girlfriend, like, literally ate her face off, no sauce, no pickles, nothing. But if you don’t fancy gorging on lung stew then there are some more inventive ways to build a prison rep.

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When Black Rob stole jewellery from a woman’s purse in a hotel room.

OK, Black Rob, so you’re only worth about £580 million less than your ex-best friend but you had that one good song where you mentioned the word "Whoa" close to seventy times. Is life really so bad that you needed to do something like this? I mean there’s probably a level lower than this where you’re robbing deaf babies of their Juicy Fruit, but you’re probably planning that as phase two after you’ve stopped apologising to Diddy.

When Travie McCoy tagged the Berlin Wall then bragged about it

Travie broke the first (and possibly only) rule of breaking the law by telling the world about how he broke it with evidence. First of all he tweeted that he was going to tag the Berlin Wall. Then he tweeted a picture of said tag. DERP! So pretty much like Ian Watkins tweeting “I’m totes not a paedo” then an hour later tweeting again saying “happy sweet 15 to all my fans #ifyouknowwhatimean”. This was probably Travie’s second biggest mistake after dumping Katy Perry and then dating Juliette Lewis. No wait, third after making this video or maybe fourth after he leaked nude pics of himself.

When Flava Flav didn't check the giant watch round his neck

Flav spent nine weeks in Rikers Island jail for driving with a suspended license, numerous parking tickets, and showing up late for appointments with his probation officer. Getting thrown in prison for being late to an appointment beats jaywalking as one of the dumbest reasons for going to jail. Flav’s mugshots more than make up for the wackness of his crimes, with this photo of when his hair got combed showing him looking like a happy stoned troll. D'awww.

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When Styles P stabbed a man in the butt

Someone stole Styles P’s jacket so understandably his first reaction was to stab the guy in the ass, because he is of course a "Gangster and a Gentleman’. When XXL interviewed P in prison, asked why he shanked a man in the buttocks he responded "Because I was having a bad day". A completely reasonable response if you ask me. But still, imagine it's your first day inside the pokey, when everybody’s asking you “Hey Styles P, what wild and dangerous shit did you do to get in jail?” and you casually have to say “I stabbed a guy in the ass because he stole this sweet jacket I have”. Reputation ruined? Reputation MADE more like.

When Kid Cudi smashed a girls phone

Cudi allegedly broke down the door of a 24-year-old woman’s apartment and then slammed her phone into the ground. If this sounds like his hormones going into overdrive it’s potentially from all the liquid coke he was doing (People magazine said it, so you know it’s true). Still I can forgive this, smashing people’s property is fine, that’s justifiable, but making a really, really bad rock album, that shit sticks with you. Seriously the album sounds like four 15-year-old kids with rock star dreams (of the Busted variety) and only a couple hours practice to go on who decide to record a bad album. Where was I? Oh yeah, smashing a ladies phone like a big, badly-dressed baby.

When ODB wore a bulletproof vest

Amongst a wealth of things ODB went to jail for (shoplifting shoes, terrorism, child support payments…the usual) this is probably his most sensible misdemeanour. Though, ever the show off, he had to be the first person to get arrested for the new law banning it. Whilst on trial they tried to show how the Wu Tang was a major street gang, which was kiiiinda true when you read Dirty’s section of their FBI report, what with all the money laundering and attempted murders that he was linked to…y'know, the usual. Anyway, Dirty used the time inside productively recording his second album Nigga Please. Which is more than can be said for all of the above. Oh Ol' Dirty, RIP and may your legacy be in-jail recording studios.

Follow Dan on Twitter @KEENDANG