Look, we’re all m8s here, so let's speak man to man, lad to lad. I call a shovel a shovel, I don’t beat around bushes. Peter Kay’s new show is priceless, football is for heroes, cricket is for ponces, “Sex on Fire” is an anthem, and if there’s a pint to be drank I’ll sink it quicker than you can say “Richard Hammond”. So, you can imagine my confusion at seeing some quarters labelling working class heroes and saviours of indie rock n roll, Catfish & The Bottlemen, as sexists, when they are clearly just an innocent bunch of mega top lads with more riffs than Guitar Hero 3.
Face it sheeple, Britain has been waiting for this band ever since Oasis broke up. The return of Real Music, accompanied by massive (I’m talking huge) balls, swinging and smashing through the glass ceilings of the mainstream pop wanker brigade, the ones who think grime is good and that FKA Twigs is anything more than a poor man’s Kraftwerk. Let’s see Skepta up against The Courteeners on a stage in Heaton Park and see who “shuts down”. How many NME covers have PC Music had? Fuck all m8, fuck fucking all.
Catfish & The Bottlemen are led by their class act frontman, Van McCann, who is basically Serge Pizzorno, Alex Turner and Carl Barat rolled into one epic leather jacket. He’s a working class rocker who came up with absolutely nothing, except his parents five star B&B in Llandudno, and I reckon if we shared a few jars together, we’d have a right giggle, because his interviews are funnier than Dapper Laughs telling a fat kid he’s got titties.
Yet, despite all this undeniable talent, some total PC-gone-mad thought police merkins keep banging on about how Catfish & The Bottlemen are sexist or misogynistic, see?
How does a band so terrible/sexist/wank as catfish and the bottlemen exist
— Christian Northwood (@Norfwud) May 14, 2015
Catfish & The Bottlemen are all sexist creeps and we should all make a silent wish that they never get laid again
— Morticia Addams (@melaniedrinnan) May 18, 2014
— theQuietus (@theQuietus) May 11, 2015
Basically, it's just another conspiracy to undo disadvantaged UK male rock bands before they get a chance to shove it up the establishment. First, there was this live review from their gig in Nottingham, where the writer had a right go at them because they asked some girls to take their tops off. Then photos appeared online of hand drawn signs on their merchandise stand offering sexual favours to female fans. “Boycott this shit and sexist band,” said Eoin Loveless from Drenge, when what I think he actually meant was: “Someone give these top lads a bloody knighthood.”
Catfish & The Bottlemen aren’t sexist. They are just straight-talking, no nonsense heroes, just like Gary Bushell, Richard Littlejohn, Jeremy Clarkson, Katie Hopkins or, the ultimate home of real banter: Finchy from The Office. And to prove it, I’ve made a quiz full of Finchy’s greatest lines, mixed with Catfish & The Bottlemen’s greatest lines. Can you tell the difference? No? EXACTLY. Think about it.
All Catfish & The Bottlemen quotes are from lyrics, interviews, and one infamous merchandise poster. All Finchy's quotes are from The Office Series 1 and 2.