Rich People Are Using This App to Hire Armed Guards After the UHC CEO Shooting

We all know who the true villains are. Political forces may be trying to deflect or call them by different names but we all get it. The people at the very top of corporate hierarchies truly despise us all and delight in stomping our throats while stealing our money.

They know, via folks like Luigi, that we know. Now you really know that they know that we know thanks to the sudden rise of Protector, an Uber-like app that allows anyone to book an armed guard.

‘Uber With Guns’ App Allows Rich People to Hire Armed Guards

Currently only available in New York and Los Angeles, the Protector app lets customers hire active or retired law enforcement and military personnel, and even get their motorcades outfitted with Cadillac Escalades. It is currently rocketing up Apple App Store charts, but is currently not available for Android users, presumably because no CEO would be caught dead using an Android, aka The People’s phone OS.

The app’s Twitter/X posts are all filled with the ‘roid monsters who you can hire to make you feel like a big important person worthy of murdering, whether you’re the CEO of a Fortune 500 company destroying the world or the CEO of some small-time local business who no one has ever or will ever give a shit about, even in the midst the inevitable uprising.

One post of note went up conveniently on January 6, 2025. It features a two-and-a-half-minute video explaining how United Healthcare’s CEO, Brian Thompson, could have been protected by Protector’s Protectors.

It all feels like a commercial you’d see in a dystopian vision of the future from a movie released in the 1980s. It also feels a lot like the bad guys know there are the bad guys but aren’t willing to change their ways so they’d rather hire a bunch of meatheads to protect them from the rest of us.

If you are a terrified CEO who thinks the general populace is gunning for you, then consider downloading Protector to hire some American Gladiator rejects to follow you around to protect you from would-be assassins. Or they can just follow you around and make you feel like a big important person.