Justin Bieber’s Hip Hop Album Will Be Good

For the past couple of days the Internet has been buzzing with reports that Justin Bieber is planning to relaunch his career as a bonafide white boy rap star. To be honest, judging by his complicated shoes and penchant for dressing like a background character on the Wire, I assumed he’d been kidding himself about this for a while.

As a fan of hip hop, and a vocal critic of people who wear white jeans, you’d think that this would be bad news; considering “Biebs” is the lowest of low hanging fruit when it comes to jokes on the internet. I’d even place him below a post VMA’s Miley Cyrus because no matter what the haters say, her legs looked amazing and you just know she would be the raddest chick to hang out with/borrow money from. But despite taking issue with pretty much everything about him, and his collection of bogan, white trash, earnest, naval, rockabilly, and Asian tattoos; I think he’d do a good job.

No matter how much you dislike him, and his surprisingly hard to spell last name, he’s made for this role.

He’s Young

People love talking about how prepubescent Generation Pepsi pop stars are, but have you looked at The Source lately? To make any noise in hip hop you literally have to be an embryonic sack in a flat cap. Is there anywhere else in the music world where Chief Keef could put out an album at 17-years-old and call it Finally Famous? If you haven’t achieved at least some level of internet celebrity by the time you’re in year 10 you’re a washed up piece of shit in the hip hop world.

He’s Obnoxious

Obviously not everyone who makes music you can dance to is a self obsessed Twitter tyrant, but a lot are. Maybe it’s rough to point out someone’s tendency to sound like an asshole after talking about them effectively being a child, but Justin Bieber's non-sequiturs can really hold their own up there with Kanye West’s, "I live by two words: "f**k you, pay me". Some highlights in no particular order are:

"As hard as I've tried, I don't know how not to be adorable."

"Sunday comes after Saturday. Weird?"

“I’m actually part Indian. I think Inuit or something? I’m enough percent that in Canada I can get free gas.”

“And to those comparing me to Lindsay Lohan, look at her 2012 tax statements”

Those shit all over anything on French Montana’s recent release. Can you imagine being at a party and a track about Lindsay Lohan’s tax statements came on? Male or female, you would be pregnant before the end of the song.

He’s was a Church Kid

A lot of hip hop artists have a religious element in their lives: they grew up in church, overcame a lot of hardship, or maybe are like us and have a terrifying grandma who will only lend them cash if they drive her to church.

I wish I had something nice to say about that, but obviously I’m just talking about this.

Leading to: He’s Not a Shitty Rapper

A lot of people are going to make a big deal about all the aforementioned douchebag qualities. But look at the evidence: the kid can actually rap, he’s already buddies with all your favorites, and having Black Dave on your speed dial is a pretty good way to avoid making a shit album. Plus he’s regularly doing Tracy Morgan level weird shit like getting banned for life from skydiving and abandoning monkeys at airports. He’s already crashing $100,000 cars on the reg, so just imagine how incredible his inevitable post golden boy comedown is going to be? If you thought R. Kelly peeing on a teenager was epic, just wait for what Bieber pulls out. P.S. It will probably be his dick.

Follow Wendy on Twitter: @WendyWends