After quitting One Direction three months ago and sending the emotional stability of our teenage population into total disarray, Zayn Malik has apparently teamed up with Margate's only MC, MIC Righteous, for a cover of Rae Sremmurd's "No Type". Because if there's one thing that would improve one of summer 2014's objectively hottest tracks, it's removing everything that made it good in the first place and turning it into an x-rated X-Factor audition.
As well as being both a cover and collaboration that statistically nobody asked for, the track (below) instigated the kind of beef that could only ever occur in the rap game, which is quite possibly where Zayn's solo career is headed. Within hours of the audio being uploaded to Righteous' Soundcloud, Zayn's friend and collaborator Naughty Boy claimed the track was unfinished and had been stolen. He tweeted "that had nothing to do with me or Zayn, something was stolen from the hard drive that had nothing to do with the rapper involved" and "just wait for the real one you won't be disappointed", to which Rightous replied "Why r u like this.. 'The real one' ur just gona take my verse off and put krept and konans back on."
I mean, it COULD all be part of some big fat cat label #conspiracy that would inevitably surround a former member of the world's most lucrative boyband. OR it could have something to do with the fact that MIC Righteous takes up 90 percent of the running time, during which he absolutely bastardised "No Type" - not exactly a blueprint for gender equality in the first place - by spitting some of the lowest bars in rap history over some of last year's greatest beats.
Just imagine, for a second, that you're listening to "No Type". You hear the line "Cups with the ice and we do this every night" and you're like, yeah, this is tight. Then you think, you know what would really step this up a notch? Removing all that is tight and replacing it instead with rhymes about who I'd rather fuck: porn star Bonnie Rotten or Eastenders star Dot Cotton, and rhyming "dildo" with "YOLO". That happened. Someone had that thought with their human brain and acted on it. This is why we live in a world where Ricki Hall will probably be on I'm A Celebrity… Get Me Out Of Here by the end of the year, and bloggers drive tanks to The BBC to save Jeremy Clarkson's career.
Anyway, the song was swiftly taken down but Righteous later re-uploaded it, insisting he doesn't have to ''keep the label happy'' and was making the song public for Zayn's sake as he isn't allowed to release music for two years. For the rest of our sakes, though, I wish he would take it down, put it in a flaming bin, and then hurl that bin directly into the nearest volcano.
As a psychological precaution, please listen to the original before going about the rest of your day:
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