As a Canadian citizen I feel a certain affinity towards Shania Twain. After all, she is the reason that our precious Canadian pop relic, Miss Avril Lavigne, gathered the confidence to get up on her own two Doc Martens and pump out some of our country’s most lyrically inspirational songs. (I would have NEVER had the guts to let that skateboarder fingerbang me in a hot tub without the inspiring words of her hit “Sk8er Boi.”)
Shania has put out some really great videos and some even snappier country songs. She loves to tell a nice little story in each of her songs and “That Don’t Impress Me Much” is the tale of a sexy, be-cheetah-ed damsel in distress. At first this may just seem like your classic “girl-in-head-to-toe-leopard-robes-gets-stuck-in-the-desert-biome” but it’s not, it’s actually a story about the power to say no. So really, Shania is teaching us how to be ladies. Watch and learn.
EVERYONE LOVES A WOMAN IN ANIMAL PRINT
I did not need Shania to confirm this truth for me. I learned that everyone loves a woman in animal print while hanging out at a pub in England wearing my favorite leopard kimono. A red-faced, wasted British clown had been staring me down as he swayed like a palm tree in a storm. Not before long, the man stumbled over, bugged out his eyes and spat out his declaration in a thick, Cockney accent: “I love a woman in animal print!” It was disgusting. My friend Sam once told me that the crazier the lady the more animal print she wears. If this is the case, then both Shania and I are certifiable. I mean, what sane woman would stand in the middle of a barren desert biome hoping to find a man and, evidently, a ride home? As we see through out the video, even though every man loves a woman in animal print it does not mean she loves him back.
HEAD TO FINGER TIP TO TOE BUT SHOW OFF THE MIDDLE
If you are going to do a print, why not really do that print. Shania has taught us that nothing is sexier than covering up your entire body (kind of like a Klan uniform) in the print of your choice. Leopard just makes perfect sense in the barren, dry desert. Maybe she was just trying to camouflage herself against all the nerds who attempt to pick her up? Maybe the girl just wanted to play Fashion Week on nature’s flattest, hottest runway? If you are going to do print the KKK way, be sure to follow Shania’s advice and show a little skin by baring your midriff and just a hint of cleavage. I mean, you do need that ride home after all.
ALWAYS MATCH YOUR EYESHADOW AND LIPSTICK TO THE SMOG
One great thing about the desert sky is that it is pretty predictable. Most evenings you can count on a gorgeous display of pinks, violets and reds that spray across the sky so impossibly perfect it feels like you are in a music video. When you have that wild-child-leopard-Klan look going the details are in the face and the sex appeal is the silhouette. Always match your eye shadow and lipstick to the sunset. It shows you are a woman of detail who watches the Weather Channel.
PICK A COLOR SCHEME AND STICK TO IT
I’m a summer, what about you? Winter? Autumn? I don’t have the answer (I’m not a Cosmopolitan quiz from 1986), however Shania know she is an autumn, like, umm… could it be more obvious? When you are going to embrace your color you must fully embrace your color. Shania is a woman of extremes and we all should be too. Not only does she match her makeup palette to Mother Nature’s smog, but also her beaded choker and her hair color. The bright, tiger’s eye yellow of her necklace and the auburn sheen of her hair take her look from just animal animal print outfit to full on sensual cheetah.
NEVER TRUST A MAN WITH A MIDDLE PART
If we learn anything from this music video about men with middle parts it’s that men with middle parts would not survive a day in the desert. What is his damage? Any true army veteran would know better than to waste his one canteen of fresh drinking water pouring it on his head to impress a girl. Isn’t that Survival 101? Is he suffering from PTSD? Does he think he’s actually a chick named Ashley in the world’s most important wet t-shirt contest instead of driving a rickety car through a barren wasteland devoid of civilization? If he really wanted Shania to take that ride with him, he should have offered her a sip instead of dousing himself with it. She’s probably burning up in that Klan hood.
NEVER TRUST A MAN WHO HAS FLAMES ON HIS VINTAGE GREASER CAR
There’s just some universal truths human beings have to respect: oranges give you Vitamin C, drinking water keeps you alive, gravity, anal sex requires lube, the earth is round, and men who own cars with flames painted on the side are douchebags. He’s either a 60-year-old rockabilly or a delusional psycho who truly believes he is the living, breathing reincarnation of Crater Face from the musical Grease. Plus, Shania does mention in the lyrics that this guy “kisses his car at night” (um, wake up Shania, he’s probably the dude from that episode of My Strange Obsession who was having sex with his vehicle) and you can totally see a hula doll on his dashboard.
AND NEVER, EVER TRUST A MAN ON A HORSE DRESSED LIKE DARTH VADER
After the water-wasting middle part and Crater Face, you would think that the man who trots up on his black horse in a head-to-toe black cloak might seem like Shania’s best bet for that ride home. They are both wearing the same sun-shielding silhouettes with long, flowing fabrics that look fabulous blowing in the wind. However, Shania does not go for this guy. Why? Because you should never trust a man dressed like Darth Vader. Better yet, never trust a guy who thinks it’s appropriate to hit on strange women in the middle of nowhere while dressed in a Muslim burka. Does anyone else agree that his guy is clearly the most fucked up of them all? Again, Shania denies him and his horse that ride home. Where would she even put her big circular suitcase? The dumbass didn’t even bring saddle bags.
KEEP ON TRUCKIN’
Moral of the story: if you, a single, seductive lady on the make, find yourself cloaked in leopard, stranded in the hot desert, do NOT take a ride with any fool who rolls up. The world is full of perverts and 70 percent of the them live in the desert (or Florida). You can last a long time out in the blazing hot sun with an outfit like Shania’s. You won’t even get a burn. Happy hitch hiking.
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