Photo by Noisey
“If you thought I was going to stop going in, you can ask double R.”
These are the first words on Rich Homie Quan’s latest mixtape If You Ever Think I Will Stop Goin' In Ask RR. R-squared, for those unaware, is . The one problem with that statement is that Quan’s son is only one year old and thus hardly capable of giving us a nuanced answer about whether or not his father might ever stop going in. We’ll have to wait a bit until his speech develops. Until then, we’ll hypothesize.
- I Go In On Every Song
- Still Goin In
- Still Goin In (Reloaded)
- Trust God Fuck 12 (with Gucci Mane)
- I Promise I Will Never Stop Going In
- Rich Gang: Tha Tour Pt. 1 (with Birdman & Young Thug)
- If You Ever Think I Will Stop Goin' In Ask Double R
Going in for Rich Homie Quan is not simply a motif, like Future talking about peeing on girls. It is a blood oath. Very few of us know our life’s purpose. To see someone who has discovered their purpose at an early age—and has committed to it—is inspirational. It is also clear that every time Rich Homie Quan goes in, good things happen.
He went in on “I Go In On Every Song” and ended up getting signed to Think It’s A Game, who subsequently helped push “Type of Way” to certified gold status. It’s cause and effect: Rich Homie Quan goes in, and “My Hitta” goes platinum. Since 2012, when Rich Homie Quan first committed to going in, 9 million jobs have been created in the US. Thanks Quan!
The correlation is evident: Everything good that has happened to everyone in the past three years is because of Rich Homie Quan going in. The problem, then, is what happens if he ever stops. Obviously there would be a huge imbalance that would upset the very fabric of time and space, but it’s important that we identify specific scenarios and prepare where we can.
As a person who took AP Statistics ten years ago, I am legally allowed to call myself an expert data analyst. I have established some very complex statistical models to examine exactly what things would occur.
In the history of the world, there have been two definites: death is inevitable, and music is dope. If Rich Homie Quan ever stopped going in, music would no longer be dope. It’s hard to imagine, but without Rich Homie Quan going in we would no longer get any enjoyment from music. Those songs you listen to as escapism from your miserable existence? They’d no longer help you escape. Those songs you listen to as coping mechanisms for break-ups and other shitty life situations? No effect. It’s terrifying to even think about, which reinforces why Rich Homie Quan going in is so imperative to our society.
As previously stated, Rich Homie Quan is crucial to our survival. If we look at what comprises the earth’s atmosphere (a thing that is important), Rich Homie Going In is the main ingredient. Without him going in, we would die because we would have no air to breathe. Without the element RHQGI, we would no longer be protected from ultraviolet radiation. We would freeze (or burn? honestly I’m not entirely sure because science is very not dope, so who cares) to death.
If you aren’t an expert data analyst like me you might be looking at the above graph and saying, “I don’t know much about graphs, but whatever is going on there does not look good.” You’d be correct. We’ll no longer be able to use the money we are rewarded with for hating ourselves for 40-plus hours a week at our jobs to buy things because they will be too expensive. Mentos will cost $1,000. Gas station corn dogs will cost $8,000. One gallon of gas will be one quadrillion dollars. China would be able to purchase our entire country for a torrent download of Steely Dan’s discography in FLAC.
Since RHQ has been going in, we have had our fair share of “skirmishes” in other countries but no full-on World Wars. If Quan starts to go out even a little we could be looking at up to 100 World Wars! A nuclear apocalypse is on the horizon, my friends.
It is no coincidence that Rich Homie’s first mixtape, I Go In On Every Song, came out in 2012—one year after the International Union for Conservation of Nature declared the western black rhinoceros extinct—and that since then the populations of the other two critically endangered subspecies of the black rhinoceros have held steady. In fact, there is hope that populations can increase by recovering their gametes from dead rhinos in captivity. The correlation is not only clear but statistically significant: RHQ is the only reason we still have black rhinoceroses. Protect the black rhinoceros at all costs; protect Rich Homie Quan while he goes in at all costs.
Finding someone to love you is rare enough on its own, and you’re wasting time reading graphs on a music website, so your chances, personally, are even slimmer. If we ballpark a very generous 25 percent baseline chance that you could maybe find love and employ our model, we find that as RHQ slacks on his going in, those odds dwindle: Since you are you, it will only take RHQ Going In at levels of 50 percent before you are cursed with a lonely and sad life.
Memes are the internet’s lifeblood. They allow unoriginal, unfunny people to portray themselves as original and funny. Without memes, many people’s Klout scores would plummet and they would commit suicide. Without memes, how would we be relatable with our humor? I’ve discovered that the level to which Rich Homie Quan goes in directly affects both the amount of memes and Meme Quality™. As you can see, a 0 percent level would create a situation in which meme quality bottoms out while the number of memes unexpectedly skyrockets. This scenario is perhaps even more frightening than the 100 World Wars.
Horses are jittery death carriages… just look at this graph. This is fucked up.
Every president we’ve ever had in the history of the United States of America has been a white man. Since Rich Homie Quan stepped on the scene, started going in, and ushered in a new epoch of diversity, however, that number has been zero. Coincidence? No. Statistically, we can infer that we’ll never have another white man president again. Instead, America will finally embrace the diversity it claims so often to be about. We’ll have women presidents, Native American presidents, Hispanic presidents, gay presidents, and, if my calculations are correct, as sea levels rise, there’s even an outside shot at electing an octopus president somewhere around the year 2196. A true post-racial, post-cephalocaudal America is only possible through Rich Homie Quan going in.
And speaking of white man presidents…
Really makes you think…
Bauce Sauce is Noisey's lead data scientist, and he will never stop going in. Follow him on Twitter.