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Reviewing the Food at Melt! Festival with Andhim

Andhim is the new black: The masters of Superhouse review the food and toilet facilities at Melt! festival, while talking us through penis anxiety.
August 1, 2013, 9:00am

Tobias Mullar and Simon Haehnal

Have you heard of hiphouse? In the late 80s, hip-hop producers from Chicago basically invented a genre centred around excessive use of the “Ooh! Yeah! loop” and that clip from Technotronic’s “Pump up the Jam.” It had that kind of instructional dance vibe - “Now move to the left and stomp your feet, come on everybody let’s groove to the beat!” “ more suited to Will Smith’s kids’ birthday parties than a warehouse rave. Most late 80s hiphouse is therefore really, really bad, even though some artists, like Queen Latifah, never failed to kick out the jams.

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But now hip-hop and house are remarrying in Berlin. There are more hip-hop producers moving into house and more house DJs remixing and sampling hip-hop tracks, like Lauhaus and Adana Twins. London’s feeling the vibe too, with producers like Jamie Trench and Jesse Rose consistently proving that hip-hop + four-by-four beats = serious booty clapping.

Andhim is a producer duo from Cologne with a background in hip-hop and a foreground in streamlined but party-proven “Super House” that smashed the Sleepless stage at Melt! last weekend. Too goofy for a normal interview, we took the pair around the festival grounds to review the food situation and (at their request) the toilet situation too.

FOOD STAND NUMBER ONE: INDIAN KITCHEN

Noisey: Is it annoying having a beard, Tobias? You keep getting your food stuck in it.

Tobias: Ya sometimes, but otherwise I’d just get it on my skin.

Yeah, I’ve been growing this bad boy for a while. [Referring to my stubble]

Simon: It’s not a bad boy.

It will be. One day.

Simon: It’s a bad girl. You know, beards are the new black nowadays. And this is why we grow them, because Andhim is the new black.

Andhim is the new black? I think maybe that should be the title of the article.

Simon: Yes, why not? It’s a good title. Andhim: the new black. But we are white people. I don’t know if you noticed.

I didn’t until you mentioned it.

Simon: No because I know we are hip-hopish and we do all that scratching, but we are white actually.

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Would you say hip-hop is your main influence?

Simon: It influenced our music in the beginning because we both started with hip-hop. But we have a lot of influences. Like coconut curry with rice. Veggie steak burgers.

What do you think about the Indian food stand?

Simon: I had the Indian vegetarian with potato and yellow curry with rice and yogurt and green pepper sauce which was hot, but not that hot and I love it. It’s so good. I’m tasting it right now. Because it’s mmmfff.

How are you handling all that spice so well?

Simon: You know I’m used to eating spicy food because I used to live in a chilli factory with my dad who was a chilli…chilli…

Tobias: A Chilli man.

Simon: Like the Red Hot Chilli Peppers.

Your dad was in the Red Hot Chilli Peppers?

Simon: He was one of the Chilli Peppers, a cover band of the Red Hot Chilli Peppers.

Oh, okay.

Simon: And as a kid I had to eat a lot of chilli to prove I was worth it. Otherwise I had to feel his belt.

Is anything about that story even remotely true?

Simon: Everything.

This morning a completely naked German guy with a horse puppet on his hand came up to me, grabbed his balls, and yelled “Melt my heart.’ Is that normal here?

Simon: Yes it is. Indeed it is. This is fucking potato-ish.

What’s your final word on the Indian Kitchen food stand?

Tobias: [Burps loudly]. That’s our final word.

FOOD STAND NUMBER TWO: 4K VEGGIE FOOD

What are you eating now?

Tobias: I have no idea what it is. I usually don’t eat veggie burgers. Just because I don’t eat meat doesn’t mean I have to eat fake meat. It’s very weird. It’s not that good. Very salty.

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Simon, you seem to always be surrounded by women. What’s your secret?

Simon: Women? Just show your penis!

Is that all it is?

Simon: It’s the German way. Show your sausage. I have a small sausage.

Does it hold you back?

Simon: No. Not at all. I show pictures of Tobi’s sausage and pretend that it’s mine. I say “Hey you wanna see more of it? Just follow me, come to my hotel room.”

How did you meet Tobias?

Simon: At a sausage contest. A contest to see who has the bigger sausage.

Why’d you enter with such a small sausage?

Simon: Because I’m very self-confident. It’s all about your dreams. I dream of a big penis. I have a big bank account and a cool bicycle.

Maybe you can order some penis-enhancement pills.

Simon: It’s not safe. I’ve thought about it a hundred times.

Me too. Not a day goes by where I don’t think “should I get penis enhancement?”

Simon: Every day. Every day.

Is this your girlfriend?

Simon: Yes.

And are you happy with the sausage situation?

Simon’s girlfriend: Yeah, very happy.

Simon: Ah, it’s good to hear that my girlfriend likes my wiener!

How awkward would it be if she said she didn’t? “He’s got a great personality but—“

Simon: But his penis is stinky.

Sure. That. So what is “Super House?”

Simon: It’s basically music that will make people feel more super than they already are. If you listen to one of our sets our main goal is to make you feel good and special and super so that you can go home with a smile and say “wow, I forgot all my sorrows and I’m just happy now.”

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Isn’t all house super, though?

Simon: No, not at all. Only our house. No, of course there’s so much good music. But there’s a lot of shit. I mean check out the Beatport top 100 – it’s mainly shit.

Since house has been reviving recently are you worried that it’s going to get shitter?

Simon: You know house is just a name. Of course we are not doing house music. House is very different in our opinion to what we’re doing. We thought it would be funny to give our style a name because we find all the other names ridiculous. When you ask DJs like “what kind of music do you play” and they respond “Ah, its like a mixture of deep tech-house with a groovy Latin house influence…” Fuck all that. We say, “Fuck you all, we’re doing Super House. This is what we do, don’t ask me anymore.”

Genres are really annoying.

Simon: Its ridiculous. Who gives a fuck. Look at the faces of the people on the dance-floor. They don’t give a fuck as long as it’s good music. Nobody in the world gives a fuck about genre.

FOOD STAND NUMBER THREE: ICE CREAM VAN

(After our coconut curry rice and mystery veggie burgers, Simon and Tobias were too full to keep on eating, so we bought them an ice cream as a reward for behaving so well and headed down to the festival toilets to review those instead)

What’s your impression so far of the toilets at Melt! Festival?

Tobias: Very, very clean.

Simon: As always with festivals, the toilet situation is really bad. But we’re surprised that it’s quite okay compared to other festivals because I had to throw up only two times while peeing. But now we’re fine. I think in the backstage it’s fine, but there are no dixies so it’s a total different situation.

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Are you completely comfortable using these toilets, especially after all that spicy food?

Tobias: No no, I will be using the VIP toilets. But the dixies are very clean.

Simon: Too clean for a festival.

You like it to be a bit messy?

Simon: Yeah, yeah. I also like to have sex in the Dixie.

Great. Thanks, Andhim. I’m not sure if anything you said was true or made sense, but I enjoyed eating and pooping with you guys!

Follow Matt on Twitter: @Matt_A_Shea

Read more from Melt:

Relax Guys, Disclosue Aren't Going to Ruin House Music