A Popstar's Guide to Valentine’s Day

This article originally appeared on Noisey UK.

No matter what you do if you’re coupled up this February 14th, you’re going to come away looking like an arsehole.

Make a big deal of the day—splash out and treat bae with chocolate, fake blue roses conceived in a sweatshop, stuffed animals with vacant eyes, and all the other prosaic shit the checkout girl at CVS has informed you that you should? Congratulations, you’re the living embodiment of a knockoff Hallmark card.

Fail to celebrate it—citing some disjointed rant about the capitalist hypocrisy of it all and how you “won’t be lining Hallmarks pockets this year, no sir!”—and avoid the slightest hint of emotion to the point where you might as well be alone with one hand down your pants and the other in a family bucket? Congratulations, you’re dumped.

The truth is, no one is set to win in the game of love. What are we to do in the midst of all this confusion? Who are we to look to for guidance? Molly Ringwald’s agony aunt column? Re-runs of Seinfeld? Oprah?

No: popstars, of course. Nobody knows more about love than those who sing about it and keep the concept alive in 2015. Their relationships - from gushing Superbowl selfie beginnings to marriage in haste to gnarly pre-nuped dissolution - are all played out for us in plain view. So let us cast an eye over pop cultural history for a guide on what we should do for our sweethearts this Valentine’s Day. Praise be to social media and our great culture of oversharing for these vital lessons.

A photo posted by Kim Kardashian West (@kimkardashian) on Feb 14, 2014 at 9:17pm PST

Keep it overdramatic. Keep it classic. Keep it Kanye. This is a man who knows how to throw a celebration as hard as he knows how to throw a fit. Yeezy bought Kim 1,000 long-stemmed red roses and filled her room with them. Obviously roses are fucking expensive when you’re Kanye because, unlike humans, he doesn’t get them from Lidl. They sold a dozen red roses for just £3 last year. With any luck that deal will be on again, so if my maths is right it’ll only cost £250. What’s that? Tickets, pills and cabs for a big night out at a club where Gorgon City are headlining. This will be way better.

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Screw bunches of flowers. It’s all about bunches of weed, says Ri-Ri. She posted her V-Day haul on Instagram along with the message: “Roses are green! Somebody knows how to make me happy.”

The gift you give on valentines day should always be something they want, not something they need - so this isn’t probably great if your SO gets home each day with gasping withdrawal. But it can be a nice romantic treat, most people will literally do anything if you bring over an eighth and Seamless.

My @OfficialOzzy took me to see @BrunoMars at the fabulous @Cosmopolitan_LV for Valentines Day and it was HEAVEN! pic.twitter.com/O8bNqIlOhJ

— Sharon Osbourne (@MrsSOsbourne) February 17, 2014

Even the Prince of Darkness has a squidgy pink centre. If you need living proof that love is actually a thing, take a look at the unbreakable Ozzy and Sharon. Even after nearly 33 years, he can still be arsed to make Shazza smile. Last year he took her to see Bruno Mars where they got the snap pictured above as a memento of their evening. It clearly worked, as Sharon tweeted that “it was HEAVEN!” Frankly it’s a heaven I’d like to be locked out of, preferably expelled at force by a battering ram. But maybe your girlfriend/boyfriend is more basic than me (in which case I guess you are too).

Unfortunately, sometimes you have to pull something together in circumstances somewhat lacking in romantic value. Like, for instance, if one of you finds themselves in rehab for anger management. Karrueche Tran didn’t let this pose any barrier to her and bf Chris Brown having a pleasant time. She brought her boo a hearty meal of cabbage and shrimp with biscuits. Why not do the same? Then if you’re really lucky he won’t knock you about till your mouth fills with blood and fail to show any remorse for it even years later.

Why spend all night doing selfless things for another human if everyone else you know isn’t going to find out about it? Document every moment of your efforts with your phone. That’s what Pete Wentz advises in this amazing archive footage of him chatting about his do’s and don’ts for the Big Day. You know the drill: if it’s not on IG, Twitter, FB then it didn’t happen. Perhaps make a vine of you showering him/her with unnecessary gifts for maximum smug exposure.

Speaking of diamonds, they could well be the way to go if your lady is a number one diva. Or, of course, if you recently fucked up. Nick Cannon couldn’t make V Day last year and Mariah was less than impressed. In fact, she re-branded him “The Abandoner” and talked about it on numerous occasions. What to do when you’re in the proverbial doghouse? Turn up unannounced with a necklace of diamonds spelling out the name of her new single (“You’re Mine” in this case. Lucky it wasn’t “Against All Odds ft. Westlife”). Maybe that's not useful if your gf isn't a popstar, but you can get them the next best thing: an Argosy looking heart pendant.

If you’re being realistic, this is probably only place either of you wants to be besides in bed eating pizza and wanking each other off. Gwen Stefani and Gavin that guy married to Gwen Stefani had it so right when they went off to their British-style local, The Fox and Hound, in Studio City, California. The menu boasts steak and kidney pies and Cornish pasties which sound both delicious and flaky - a lot like Gwen herself. Hopefully when you and bae go, you won’t be disgustingly hounded by paparazzi trying to video the entire thing and can actually enjoy living your lives.

If none of these suggestions feel quite right then it’s probably best to look back to where young love was not only born but dressed in coordinating denim ensembles: Justin and Britney. Once upon a time in the year 2000, the pop sweethearts were in different countries so Yung Trousersnake sent Britters a note with a short message. Just after she received the note, a band with an orchestra entered and played MJ’s “The Lady in My Life”. How do I know this? Like any self-respecting music fan, I’ve read Justin’s biography.

If the heart necklace didn’t work, the cabbage shrimp thing was gross and the missus is about to hit breaking point because you took her to a Bruno Mars show, try something like this. It’s personal. It’s cute. And everyone, EVERYONE likes Michael Jackson.

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