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Kate Middleton's Birthing Playlist

Necro, UK funky, Eric Prydz and everything else Kate needs to fire an infant out her royal vag.
July 22, 2013, 10:54am

K-Middy made sure she got the lionshare of newscycle by having her baby on a Monday morning, ensuring that the rest of the week will be dominated by name speculation and photographs of people leaving tiny Converse outside Buckingham Palace.

It's already lunchtime though, she better hurry up and pop this thing out. If she doesn't discharge it before the News At Six the whole campaign will be ruined. What's going on Will? We thought you'd been helping her out these last couple of weeks, giving her all the vindaloo and "four-finger KitKats" she needs.

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Ok, don't worry about it, the lads at Noisey have clubbed together to create the perfect birthing playlist. Kate, get this lot on your iPod and you'll be firing infants out your royal vag in no time.

"Call On Me" - Eric Prydz

A lot of people were quick to label this video as soft porn, failing to realise that their minds were in the gutter and it was all just a totally normal antenatal class. Eric Prydz and his merry band of lycra clad whores taught us naive women how to limber up our vaginas to euro-techno in preparation for the big baby reveal. Like, it didn't even have the bit of the class where you suck up entire dumbbells with the power of kegel exercises alone. Bet you feel bad for jumping to horny conclusions now, right?

"Royal Rumble" - Funkystepz

Nothing like a bit of UK Funky to regulate a breathing pattern when you’re trying to squeeze out the next ruler of England. It's pretty impossible not to start squeezing your pelvic floor like it was a tube of toothpaste when this regal anthem by Renay & Stimpy starts to drop. If this doesn't make the little blighter slip out, thought, you might need to start with the migrane skank.

"Hope you bled in your bed/Fifteen hours in the hospital/Waiting for a doctor to sew you up an impossible operation/You press charges you're less than a carcass." Says it all really.

"Love Will Tear Us Apart" - Joy Division

They say the day you give birth is the happiest of your life, but childbirth is as much about sacrifice as it is joy. No one knows that better that Kate's weary labia, which are about to push through what's basically a Buzz Lightyear doll with a cricket ball Blu-Tacked to its head. Perhaps Ian Curtis, when writing about his broken marriage and suicidal thoughts, didn't mean it quite so literally, but all we're saying is we've got the number of a great vaginal rejuvanist. If Kate prefers something a bit more adult contemporary, she could try Mansun's "Wide Open Spaces" or Muse's "Supermassive Black Hole"

Watch The Throne - Jay Z and Kanye West

Could there be a better introduction to the pillaging world of 2013 than Kanye West and JAY Z’s self-proclaimed opus? Probably. But the backdrop that Watch The Throne provides, which is one of rich men professing their wealth, sits well with the Royal Family’s pauper profiting lifestyle. The record'll need to be played in full, but it's not a problem because "H.A.M" should be the ideal support music for Kate, who should be going hard as a majestic in the operating theatre. Just don't tell the Daily Mail; a woman listening to black music, while having a birth which is entirely financially dependent on the state - it's political correctness gone mad.

"Caught Out There" - Kelis

"YO! THIS KELIS TRACK Y'ALL, THIS TRACK IS FOR ALL THE WOMEN OUT THERE, THAT HAVE BEEN LIED TO BY THEIR MEN ABOUT GOING INTO LABOUR AND I KNOW Y'ALL BEEN LIED TO ABOUT CHILD BIRTH, OVER AND OVER AGAIN. THIS IS FOR Y'ALL YO, MAYBE MY GENITALS SHOULDN'T BREAK THE WAY MINE BROKE YO, BUT I BREAK. Y'KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?…I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW, I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW, AHHHHHHH." And rinse and repeat until the umbilical cord is cut and you've flopped out the placenta.

Illustration by Kyle Plats. Follow Kyle on Twitter