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The Noisey Guide to Interacting With Your Favorite Artists on the Internet

You are simultaneously more connected and isolated than ever before. But we are here to help you.

[Editor's Note: We searched google and found this picture of Diplo DM-ing you a flirty emoji.]

Let’s face it, social media is here to stay fucking crazy. AOL Chat rooms begat AOL Instant Messenger begat Friendster begat Myspace begat Facebook, and Facebook begat the rise of the modern era of social networking as well as a dope ass movie about what Justin Timberlake did in between *NSYNC and The 20/20 Experience. It is now the year 2014 and humans are looking at naked pictures of celebrities on phones more than their actual clothed friends IRL. We are simultaneously more connected and isolated than ever before. They call that a paradox [Editor's Note: Read this in the Jack Nicholson in The Departed voice].

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I am here to provide some order to the modern era of social networking. You used to only have to analyze the away message / AIM profile of your crush from school. Now you have to navigate hundreds of interactions across multiple social networking platforms every single day with both your friends and strangers, let alone juggle multiple group messages moving at lightning speed. You have instant access to tell any celebrity on Twitter to fuck off or fuck you or .. both? Shit can get mad confusing. I often get the question, “Robesman, this (DJ, artist, comedian, brand, etc) just followed/interacted with/mentioned me on (Twitter, Instagram, etc), what does that mean?” People think I’m an expert because I’m online a lot, and they are correct. I’d hate to see you overreact to a weak interaction. So here you go, internet, I’m about to slide in to your iPhone 6 Plus with the Social Media Interaction Power Rankings 2014 Edition.

First, it’s important to identify the major types of social media and the purposes they serve.

Facebook

Facebook started in 2004 as a website for college students to share drunken pictures. Turns out all those drunk people got pregnant, and Facebook is now a site for pregnant women. Its last stronghold on the younger generation is the fact that you must have a Facebook to join Tinder.

Tinder

Tinder is a performance art app where girls can catfish an unlimited amount of guys at once.

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Instagram

Instagram is the “Yes Flex Zone.”

Twitter

Twitter is the stream of consciousness of the entire internet. Do you have a topical, relatable, or funny joke and/or something insightful to say about modern events? Chances are someone on Twitter has already tweeted it and reaped in tons of sweet, sweet retweets. I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if my entire article has already been tweeted sentence by sentence in like 2011.

Snapchat

Snapchat may seem like it is for sexting, but sexting only comprises 1% of all Snapchats sent. Snapchat is actually the easiest way to capture and instantly share events with large groups of people in 10 second increments. Just kidding it’s for nudes (unless you’re a celebrity). If you’re a celebrity you will naturally upload your nudes to the Scientology iCloud.

Vine

Everyone said Instagram video was going to kill Vine, but Vine appears to be thriving. People love loops (see also: gifs, EDM, and rollercoasters).

Tumblr

I’m not 12 years old so I don’t really have much to say on Tumblr other than it’s for 12 year olds.

Pinterest

The most terrifying app on the internet. Not to be trusted. You don’t need 7,200 gluten free cookie recipes because being gluten free is a pyramid scheme invented by the Illuminati to sell anti-gluten.

LinkedIn

A social networking site for unemployed people. If someone tried to linkIN with you they are saying, “Hey what’s up I need work you got any? You got any? You got any?”

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YouTube

You know what this is. Back in the day the top comments on YouTube videos were the epitome of internet humor. When I read “600 fries, I ate 600 pies. That was 6 days ago. Went straight to my thighs. I got some crumbs on my face. I got some crumbs on my face” as the top comment on Wale’s “600 Benz f/ Rick Ross & Jadakiss” I laughed so hard I died. When I came back from the dead I found YouTube changed its comment section and is still trying to make Google Plus “happen,” ugh.

Now on to the rankings. We will only examine the Big Three: Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. Each social networking action below is ranked from most meaningful interaction to least meaningful interaction. Of course you need to make some judgment calls on some stuff. Watch out for: follower to following ratio, if they fav/like everything, if they accept every friend request, if they are a struggle rapper, klout scores, verification, etc. But these are the rankings:

Now that you know the rankings go forth and interact with your favorite celebrities, brands, and celebrity brands. Who knows, maybe you’ll get a Ryan Hemsworth follow or Diplo will DM you a flirty emoji, and all of your time spent online will be worth it.

Robesman is a brand and a social media expert because he wrote this article. Follow him on twitter (@robesman) and find him at brunch (@thrive_LA).

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