Print Off and Keep: Your Very Own Sex NDA

This story/contract of dubious legal validity is taken from VICE magazine, v29n1: THE ROCK BOTTOM ISSUE (where it was originally described as something to ‘cut out and keep’). To subscribe to receive four print issues of the magazine each year, click here.

Have you ever found yourself up at 1AM, texting a naked selfie to a relative stranger, vaguely aware this decision could ruin your life, yet too horny and/or drunk to care? Same! Sharing explicit content that you’ll later regret has become a prerequisite of modern dating. But what if there were a way to protect all those errant pics of your butt after you and the bartender inevitably break up?

Enter the dating NDA. You’ve probably heard of celebrities giving out non-disclosure agreements to their various lovers, binding them to silence about their cannibalism fetish… or whatever. For years there’s been a Hollywood rumor that, to be granted the privilege of sleeping with Leonardo DiCaprio, his assistant first ensures you sign an NDA. Then, during sex, he just lies there vaping while listening to MGMT on noise canceling headphones. While I personally chose to believe this, we’ll likely never get confirmation—thanks to his alleged ironclad paperwork. To quote Billie Eilish’s “NDA,” about the realities of dating while famous: “Had a pretty boy over, but he couldn’t stay / On his way out, made him sign an NDA.”

But NDAs are no longer exclusively for celebrities and disgraced predators. Now, lowly civilians like us are jumping on the bandwagon, bringing some much-needed class solidarity to the bedroom—because nothing says equality like legally mandated silence.

I first heard about this trend from my friend Madison, a 49-year-old acupuncturist who looks like a sultry villain from a Russian spy movie. She got divorced eight years ago, after which she found herself dating much younger men, generally in their early thirties. “I have no interest in men my age,” Madison said, flipping her icy blonde hair. “Men don’t mature, no matter how old they get, so you might as well date a guy who’s still hot and can fuck.” Strong point.

“Recently, while scrolling back through my phone, I found a video of a tech CEO I dated briefly in 2017 jerking off to completion. I’ve never felt so powerful.”

But Madison soon discovered that young men, beyond their non-existent refractory period, are total content whores. They want that post-shower mirror selfie. They need that Blair Witch Project-esque jerk-off video. Madison realized if she was going to play this game, she needed protection. So, she started sending these thirsty guys a Docusign link to an NDA, barring them from sharing images or correspondence, with monetary damages for breach of contract. “It sends the message ‘don’t fuck with me,’” she said. “It definitely catches them off guard. Some think it’s fucking hilarious. The last guy didn’t even read it. But they all sign it. They want to do freaky shit. They’re not going to say no.

“I imagine the gut reaction to seeing a legal document might not be so sexy, or take the spontaneity out of seeing someone’s tits. But it’s also a good filter—if someone won’t sign, it’s like, ‘Dude, what are you afraid of?’”

“You never know what’s in your future,” Madison continued. “I might end up with someone in politics—like, I’m trying to be set up with Andrew Cuomo. And if you’re in the media, people inevitably start digging, and I don’t want that shit out there.” She smiled demurely. “I need to maintain my angelic image, ya know?”

It’s a fair concern, given that no one ever deletes their porny archive… right? Recently, while scrolling back through my phone, I found a video of this tech CEO I dated briefly in 2017. He’s now married with kids, but for the past eight years I’ve been unknowingly walking around with a video of him jerking off to completion. I’ve never felt so powerful.

But I wanted to talk to someone on the other side of a dating NDA. Greta is a filmmaker in her early twenties. A couple years ago she dated a well-known patent troll more than twice her age. “I was in a very Anna Nicole Smith-coded mindset at the time,” she told me with a shrug. “Basically I wanted to marry a rich old guy.” In this economy: relatable.

Their first dates were incredible: dining at Michelin-star restaurants, and bonding over both being hot and neurodivergent. But then things took an unexpected turn. Greta recalled, “On our third date he conducted this formal mock interview where I had to dress up in business attire and bring a real résumé. He had me demonstrate that I could pour him wine properly and do up his cufflinks. It was a very fun fantasy.”

At the end of this “interview,” the patent troll handed her a folder of papers—one of which was an NDA. “At first I thought it was excessive; it was a lifetime NDA stating I couldn’t say anything about him or the relationship. The clause that concerned me most was that it released him from liability if I were to be injured or die. I was like, What is he gonna do to me? I brought it up, but he just said it was ‘standard legal boilerplate.’ I don’t know if that’s true—but I signed it.”

Thankfully, the guy turned out to be less murderous sadist and more garden-variety perv—and as someone with lots of enemies, he wanted to keep that under wraps. “We’d hook up in restaurant bathrooms, and he’d put a sex toy in my panties to keep for the entire dinner,” Greta smiled. “Or he’d challenge me to tie myself up with Hermès ties, and then just lay there for him to do whatever he wanted.”

While the NDA did freak her out, it was also kind of a turn on. “It was hot in the way that the forbidden or exclusive are alluring,” she said, then paused, thinking. “Technically I’m breaking it by telling you this, but whatever.”

Are hookup NDAs actually legally enforceable, or are they just a way of scaring people into shutting the fuck up? I asked Carrie Goldberg, a New York-based attorney who represents victims of sex crimes, including revenge porn, sextortion, and blackmail.

“If created correctly, it could definitely be enforceable,” Carrie told me. “To sue someone you just need a cause of action, and breach of contract is a cause of action. We’ve seen divorce cases where the settlement agreement includes who owns the rights to naked pictures, or clauses with delete requirements. But being preemptive with an NDA like this… it’s a new and interesting idea.”

Carrie pointed out that sharing private explicit images is already illegal under “revenge porn” laws (except in South Carolina, randomly). And yes, this includes texting that Hinge guy’s dick pic to the group chat without permission. Oops? However, sharing explicit texts, depraved voice notes, or private information often is legal. Carrie told me, “We used to call it ‘revenge porn,’ but now it’s ‘image-based sexual abuse,’ because not all explicit imagery is porn, and sharing it isn’t always revenge motivated. But whatever the reason, it still has the same impact.”

So, do you want to protect your non-celebrity nudes, and those texts you sent your ex about what a bad girl she is? Well, Carrie kindly drafted an NDA for us all (read it below, download it here), designed to hold up in court—or just terrify your hookups into submission (although we can’t guarantee either). You’re welcome.

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