Sorry Guys, We’re About To Ruin Your Childhood

With the cold cynicism of adulthood, I now realise that not every pop song is about loving someone unconditionally and Prince Charming brushing my hair in a meadow, but lots are about sex…repulsive, filthy coitus that should be kept well away from the ears of someone weathering their sensitive pre-teen years.

So, in the interest of protecting future generations I’ve highlighted some of the worst offenders from my tween to teen years.

O TOWN – “LIQUID DREAMS”

Though Making The Band boy group O Town looked like they’d been scraped off the floor of an N*Sync factory, they absolutely smashed it out the park with this catchy triumph of grossness. At the time I remember being pretty distracted by the video’s rad liquid graphics and their sexy long sleeved muscle tees with special thumb holes. However, careful analysis of the lyrics shows O Town had a top 10 hit about drifting off in their single beds and cum encrusted sheets to have a wet dream courtesy of all the “posters of love” stuck to the walls of their masturbating dungeons.

Posters of love surrounding me, lost in a world of fantasy

Every night she comes to me and gives me all the love I need

Now this hot girl, she’s not your average girl

She’s a morpherotic dream from a magazine

I dream about a girl who’s a mix of Destiny’s Child

Just a little touch of Madonna’s wild style

With Janet Jackson’s smile, rolled in a body like Jennifer

You got the star of my liquid dreams

OMG YOU GUYS. And what in sweet fuck does “morpherotic” mean? WHERE ARE YOUR PARENTS?

Ingrid K knows what’s up:

MADONNA – “LIKE A PRAYER”

Obvious blowjob reference is obvious. Though when the “Like A Prayer” video was released the burning crosses, black Jesus and Madge’s near perfect cans inconveniently pulled focus from the lyrical content.

When you call my name it’s like a little prayer

I’m down on my knees, I wanna take you there

In the midnight hour I can feel your power

Just like a prayer you know I’ll take you there

It’s OK though ‘cos Madonna went on to spend the rest of her career beating us in the face with whole coffee table books about sexy sex sex and experimenting with wipe clean one-pieces.

LITTLE RICHARD – “TUTTI FRUTTI”

Primary school disco anthem alert! Bet you didn’t know the original of this song was a carefree ditty about Little Richard’s sex life? Yup. In David Kirby’s book Little Richard: The Birth of Rock ‘n’ Roll he revealed the lyrics to “Tutti Frutti” were originally a “paean” to all the great anal fun Richard was having at that time, but weirdly he was ordered to do a swift re-write. Hence why the version we all know and love is made up of nonsensical ramblings about “Rudy” and “Sue”. But the real version goes like this:

A wop bop a loo mop, a good goddamn!

Tutti frutti, loose booty

If it don’t fit, don’t force it

You can grease it, make it easy.

IDK, maybe 1950s America wasn’t ready for a black man wearing cosmetics and a blowdried hair piece to also be singing about butt-fucking? Party poopers.

MARIAH CAREY – “HONEY”

Fresh from the shackles of her first marriage, sexy Mariah emerged from a birthing pool of ejaculate to chirp about how great it feels “when your love comes over me”.

And it’s just like honey

When your love comes over me

Honey I can’t describe

How good it feels inside

Then, for no real reason, bounces around in her bra on a boat with a bunch of backing dancers dressed up as “SEAMEN”. You can be all like “Eww, that’s disgusting” in interviews but I…AM…ON…TO..YOU…MA…RIAH.

SPICE GIRLS – “SAY YOU’LL BE THERE”

I’m (I’m) giving you everything (I give you everything)

All that joy can bring this I swear (yes I swear)

And (and) all that I want from you (all I want from you) is a promise

(Is a promise) you will be there

This is about anal. No, YOU are reading into it too much.

JORDAN KNIGHT – “GIVE IT TO YOU”

When a then pushing thirty years old Jordan Knight decided to shake off his New Kids On The Block past and go it solo, most thought it’d be with a sensitive R&B ballad or maybe a duet with Mandy Moore? Jordan on the other hand thought, “nah, I’m just gonna sing about getting bitches panties wet then film the video in a fairground full of teenage girls.” A FUCKING FAIRGROUND, WTF JORDAN?

As long as we move horizontally

Anyone can make you sweat

But I can keep you wet

It’s creeping around in my head

Me holding you down in my bed

Though “Give It To You” was a total jam Jordan’s solo venture didn’t really take off, probably ‘cos his name conjured up images of mature student bros who turn up to fresher’s house parties in a roll neck jumper clutching a bottle of roofied peach schnapps.

UPDATE

So it was none other than ROBIN FRICKIN’ THICKE who wrote this song. I can’t. I’m done with this world.

Follow Jo on Twitter @FUERTESKNIGHT

For more stuff like that:

“YOU ARE NOT BETTER THAN POP MUSIC”

Nicki Minaj Should Never Apologise for Going Pop

The Noisey Guide To Mariah Carey