Watching the first Star Wars film for the umpteenth time, I made a startling discovery. See, it turns out each line of C-3PO’s dialogue (at least in the first half, before he starts in with his “the chances of surviving x thing that we’re about to survive are one in a million” blurbs and the ettiquette gags) was cribbed right out of some angsty high schooler’s freshman year poetry journal. 

Yeah, C-3P0, with his incessant doom-saying and neurotic anxiety, is basically just an awful existentialist poet. See for yourself: here’s a “poem” composed entirely out of lines originally delivered in a high and agitated pitch by Anthony Daniels. It’s in chronological order and spans roughly the first quarter of the film while Threepio is pretty much the star of the show. Just imagine that the entire thing is being delivered by a pale kid with greasy swooping bangs or, if you prefer, in the process of being frantically scribbled into a spiral notebook post-first-breakup. I think I’ll call it “We’re Doomed.”

Enjoy. 

We’re Doomed

By C-3P0

We’ll be destroyed for sure: this is madness.

There’ll be no escape for the princess 

This time.

Don’t call me a mindless philosopher

Come out before somebody sees you 

Funny, the damage doesn’t look as bad

From out here.

We seem to be made to suffer 

It’s our lot in life.

What a desolate place this is.

I’m not going that way, it’s 

much too rocky. 

This way is much easier.

And don’t let me catch you 

following me, 

begging for help. 

Because you won’t get it.

No more adventures. I’m not going that way.

Wake up!

Wake up!

We’re doomed. Do you think they’ll melt us down?

Don’t shoot, don’t shoot. 

Will this ever end?

I’m only a droid 

and not

very

knowledgeable

about such things. 

Not on this planet, anyways. 

As a matter of fact, I’m not even sure

Which planet I’m on.

With all we’ve been through, sometimes I’m amazed

We’re in as good condition as we are

What with the rebellion and all.

It’s alright, 

You can trust him. He’s our new 

Master.

-fin

Damn, Threepio. That’s dark, man.