The Secret to Dating as a Neurodivergent Person

As someone who grew up with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), I’ve spent most of my life trying to be “normal.” I’d pretend that first dates didn’t make me physically ill from my nerves, that I wouldn’t get caught in bouts of limerence for months at a time, that I wasn’t spending most of my relationships ruminating about whether or not I was a good partner, hyperanalyzing everything I said/did and questioning my intentions. Were they pure enough? Was I doing enough? Was I asking for too much in return?

I often say that one day in my brain feels like literal weeks. But for the most part, the people I’ve dated haven’t even been aware of half the shit I go through or process on a regular basis. Why? Because I try my best to mask.

Dating is difficult enough, but dating as a neurodivergent individual has its own set of unique challenges. However, more people are finding the courage to leave their masks at home. In other words, rather than trying to appear as neurotypical, or “masking,” they’re showing up exactly as they are.

I think I can learn a thing or two from these individuals.

What Is Masking?

Masking is the process of showing up in the way you’re expected rather than as your truest self. This usually involves hiding certain parts of yourself that you deem “abnormal.” For example, someone who has Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) might attempt to suppress their distress or symptoms by mimicking the habits of neurotypical individuals. 

“When we’re masking, we’re disguising our true feelings or our true abilities,” developmental pediatrician Carrie Cuffman, MD, told the Cleveland Clinic. “People may mask what they perceive to be their deficiencies. Or they can use masking to fit in better or meet other people’s expectations.”

This is quite common in neurodivergent dating. Many attempt to conceal their differences in order to fit in or form connections. However, this can only last for so long. 

Take it from me: I once dated someone who—once we got into a committed relationship—told me he had never met someone as anxious as me. Was I supposed to take that as a reassuring compliment? I’m not sure. 

He said that early on, I appeared carefree, fun, and relaxed. I can be those things in certain settings and when I’m safe/secure with someone, but in the wrong environments? I’m reduced to a bundle of nerves.

Dating As a Neurodivergent Individual? It’s Time To Unmask.

I recently stumbled upon a powerful article by the HuffPost called “‘Leave The Mask At Home’: The Neurodivergent Dating Rule I Wish I Knew Sooner.” In the article, writers Sara-Louise Ackrill and Bontle Senne, co-authors of the book The ND Lovers Club, discuss this new approach to neurodivergent dating.

In their article, they noted three relationship challenges many neurodivergent individuals face: Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD), Limerence, and Masking.

When it comes to masking, which the writers deem “the ultimate vibe killer,” we’re basically wasting our time showing up as some fraudulent version of ourselves.

Now, that’s not to say you need to come out of the gate laying it all on the table date one. We all present the best versions of ourselves early on. Letting someone see every side of you just a few weeks into dating is unnatural.

However, intentionally trying to hide certain parts of yourself can be just as damaging. Being yourself—neurodivergence included—will help you form genuine connections and filter out those who won’t mesh well with you.

Many of us neurodivergent people think our struggles make us a burden to others, but that’s not the case. While we should, of course, seek treatment to ensure we’re handling our conditions in a healthy manner, we can’t just get rid of them entirely. Just like someone can cure type 1 diabetes, we probably can’t cure our neurodivergence.  

Does that mean we’re unworthy of love? Absolutely not. It just means we need to be a little more picky when choosing a partner—someone who is willing to see, accept, and love us as we are.

“The right person (or people) will appreciate our intensity, our directness, and our unique way of experiencing the world,” Ackrill and Senne wrote. “They will find our genuineness, not faking it, a privilege to be around.”