These 3 Phrases Are Slowly Killing Your Relationship

It’s not always the big stuff that ends a relationship. Sometimes, it’s the things you say without thinking—the offhand comments meant to smooth things over or shut someone up. According to psychologist Dr. Jeffrey Bernstein, three phrases in particular can sabotage your connection in ways most people don’t realize.

“We tend to be on our best behavior in the early stages of love,” Bernstein wrote in Psychology Today. “But way too often, over time, we let down our guard.” That’s when communication starts to slip. And when phrases like “you’re overreacting,” “it’s no big deal,” or “you’re too sensitive” start showing up, the damage can build fast, especially when they become your default response.

These Phrases Might Be Slowly Killing Your Relationship

Even if you think you’re defusing tension, Bernstein says these statements land as judgmental and cold. They shut down the conversation before it even begins. In his book, he explains how invalidating someone’s feelings over and overturns disagreements into emotional landmines—where nothing feels safe to bring up, and one person starts to feel like the problem just for speaking up.

He shared the story of a client named Lisa, who said her marriage used to feel warm and supportive. “In the earlier days, Aaron would tell me he was crazy about me,” she explained. “But in the last couple of years, all he does is tell me I’m crazy when I try to talk to him about important things.” Their relationship didn’t make it much longer.

Other problems show up in what you don’t say. Bernstein warns that keeping score—mentally tracking every apology, chore, or affectionate gesture—can slowly wear people down. So can stonewalling, when someone shuts down or checks out instead of dealing with an issue. Both patterns fuel resentment and create an emotional stalemate where nothing gets solved, and both people feel stuck.

You don’t have to turn into a therapist to be a better communicator. But brushing off someone’s emotions or pretending they don’t matter will eventually backfire. Language shapes connection, and if yours keeps closing the door, don’t be surprised when the other person stops trying to open it. At some point, they just walk away.