One day, when our children are using iPhone 4s as novelty antique spoons and eating off the now-blank surfaces of first generation iPads, this modern world of food photography will seem like the ration books and pie dishes of a long forgotten era.

But we are living in the moment, our own moment, and so let us celebrate now with a quick flick through some of the most delicious and ridiculous food uploaded to Instagram this week.

I’m so sorry, I couldn’t help overhearing and—funniest thing, you’ll laugh when I tell you—I was absolutely sure for a moment then that you said “Pigs blood and berries dessert.” Ha ha ha … ha… oh? Oh, that actually is what you said? You’ve … You’ve made a porcine artery of rhubarb foam, herb powder, and raspberry gel for pudding? Oh well, that sounds … I mean that sounds absolutely delicious. Thank you. Yes, thank you. Oh no, I don’t need a spoon. I’ll just use this walrus tusk to wipe it into my mouth. Lovely, thanks.

The batter is better when the fatter gets flatter and the cream is a dream when spooned into the latter.

The idea of a harvest festival involving anything other than a tin of Heinz ravioli, a box of supermarket bourbon biscuits, and some custard powder literally did not occur to me until I’d left school and witnessed an actual field at autumn. Still, I’m sure all those older people living in flats near Church of England primary schools are thrilled every year to be dragged away from ITV to answer the door to a well-meaning child holding out a can of mandarin oranges.

Call it national stereotyping but DOES this look like the Duomo to anyone else? A cathedral of garlic-smeared wheat and a sacred dome of tightly-squashed meat?

Oh, how I miss the days of drinking half a bottle of Archers, trying to grate some nutmeg, and then staring hopefully at my friend’s Magic Eye poster as some tossbag in a bucket hat yawned on about how much they “get” philosophy, while listening to The Doors. The patterns. The sheer patterns.

In the words of the late, great Marvin Gaye and Tami Terrell: The world is just a great big onion and you’ve got to plant love seeds until it dies, uh huh.

If your host gets her cacao nibs out at the dinner table, what exactly is the correct response? I’m not sure that they’ve covered this in Debrett’s yet. I can only assume the polite thing to do is throw down a shower of iron filings and then pull out the nearest handful of garden hedge to try and distract the other guests until she’s had a chance to cover her nibs?

“Darling! Your Dr Seuss dildo has arrived! Shall I put it on this plate fringed with flecks of grit and raw onion until you’re ready to give it a whirl?”

When you order a croissant and you get sea urchins wrapped in cabbage and pine salt: like swiping right on a female Michael Bolton lookalike only to be met in the foyer of the British Museum by Isabella Rossellini.

Oh, I do hope they’re going to bring out a whole range of puddings inspired by contemporary art galleries. They’ve got White Cube, could the next be a Hayward Gallery made of blackberry flapjack? An ICA made of pink wafer biscuits and mascarpone? A Saatchi gallery constructed entirely out of sugared almonds and lemon juice? Give the people what they want.