Life

What Did We Get Stuck in Our Rectums Last Year?

America continues to lead—and to innovate.
December 25, 2019, 3:30pm
An x-ray of a mobile phone inside a man's rectum

We Americans as a people are extremely good at shoving things inside ourselves. We are slightly less good at getting them back out without the aid of trained medical personnel.

For a decade I've been chronicling our country's cavity misadventures, and I've learned several things. First is that it's dangerous to be horny. (The sheer number of sex toys removed in emergency rooms is too high to include on this list, for the most part.) Second is that men are far, far stupider than women when it comes to estimating what will fit and what will be retrievable. This is obvious, but it's nice to have the data to back it up. Third is that the human body is a wondrous thing, but the human imagination is even stronger.

All reports are taken from the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission’s database of emergency room visits, and all descriptions are verbatim. Objects are sorted by orifice, working south:

EAR

  • 2 WIRELESS EARBUDS
  • JEWEL
  • “SISTER PUT LONG SLENDER TOY IN PATIENT'S EAR”
  • METAL PIECE OF SHIRT
  • ROCK SALT
  • BERRY
  • “PATIENT SAYS SHE HAD WAX IN EAR & ATTEMPTED TO REMOVE WITH TWEEZERS & PIECE OF STRING”
  • PAPER IN BOTH EARS
  • “PLACED THERMOMETER IN EAR, FELL ON BED”
  • JUICE BOX STRAW
  • PEARL
  • WOOD CHIP
  • MICROCHIP
  • DECORATIVE SEASHELL
  • TOOTH OF COMB
  • ZIP TIE
  • SLIME
  • PLASTIC SPIDER
  • CHRISTMAS ORNAMENT

NOSE

  • 2 RARE EARTH MAGNETS
  • SMALL HEART STICKER
  • 2 BUTTON BATTERIES
  • BATH BEAD
  • CHALK
  • “BUG, TRIED TO REMOVE WITH BOBBY PIN, BOBBY PIN NOW STUCK”
  • CANDY WRAPPER
  • GOOGLY EYE
  • MOTHBALL
  • SUNFLOWER SEED
  • CHRISTMAS ORNAMENT

THROAT

  • FIDGET SPINNER
  • CONDOM
  • “7 NUTS FROM THE CHRISTMAS TREE MOM AND DAD WERE TAKING DOWN”
  • LASER POINTER
  • TAPE DISPENSER
  • DECORATIVE ROCK
  • PIECE OF BED
  • TROPICAL BREEZE DETERGENT POD
  • “SWALLOWED 3 BUTTON BATTERIES LAST PM & THUMBTACK THIS AM B/C 'THEY TASTE GOOD'”
  • FUSE
  • CAPSULE THAT EXPANDS INTO A FOAM DINOSAUR
  • PLASTIC SWORD
  • “SWALLOWED STAMP INK PAD THAT HE RECEIVED AS A PRIZE AT THE DENTIST'S OFFICE”
  • CLEANING SOLUTION, RAZOR BLADE COVERED IN TOLIET PAPER, BROKEN PLASTIC SOAP DISH
  • STUFFED BIRD
  • “ABOUT 10” PUZZLE PIECES
  • “HAD NECKLACE IN MOUTH TRYING TO UNTANGLE IT & ACCIDENTALLY SWALLOWED IT”
  • GLASS CHRISTMAS TREE LIGHT
  • ICE CREAM CUP LID
  • DRILL BIT
  • HEARING AID
  • KEY
  • “SWALLOWED A THUMBTACK THAT SHE THOUGHT WAS A MINT”
  • CHRISTMAS ORNAMENT

PENIS

  • CRAYONS
  • MARKER CAP
  • CHOPSTICK
  • BALLPOINT PEN
  • PIECE OF TOY PLIERS
  • LOLLIPOP STICK
  • COAXIAL CABLE
  • WEDDING RING
  • MAGNETS
  • SCREWDRIVER
  • BOBBY PIN, “UNABLE TO ACHIEVE ERECTION & THOUGHT IT WOULD HELP”

VAGINA

  • TOOTHBRUSH
  • “A METAL AND PLASTIC CONTAINER”
  • TAPE
  • “WAS BEING ARRESTED BY THE POLICE SO SHE TOOK HER CELL PHONE AND HID IT FROM THEM - STUCK IT IN HER VAGINA”
  • PERFUME BOTTLE
  • MAKEUP SPONGE
  • LARGE PIECE OF UNDERWEAR
  • TOY ACTION FIGURE
  • RUBBER BALL
  • “JUMPED OFF COUCH LANDED ON SPOON”

RECTUM

  • “PATIENT STATES HE STATES SLIPPED IN THE SHOWER AND LANDED ON A METAL AIR FRESHENER CAN AND IT WENT INTO RECTUM”
  • FOLDING KNIFE
  • PLASTIC TOY, “ABOUT 6 INCHES LONG”
  • TOOTHPICK
  • TOOTHBRUSH
  • TOOTHBRUSH HOLDER
  • PLUNGER HANDLE
  • MATTRESS FOAM
  • TWO RAZOR BLADES
  • TWO SMALL VIBRATORS
  • TURKEY BASTER
  • CONDOM WRAPPER
  • COAT HANGER, “PATIENT UNSURE HOW IT GOT THERE”
  • GARDEN HOSE CAP
  • CIGARETTE LIGHTER
  • TOY HOCKEY STICK
  • WATER GUN
  • BAG OF HEROIN
  • COINS
  • EGG TIMER
  • SMALL SHAMPOO BOTTLE
  • LARGE SHAMPOO BOTTLE
  • LIGHT BULB
  • APPLE SAUCE CAN
  • “ACCIDENTALLY GOT A DILDO LODGED IN RECTUM & CUT THE END OF THE DILDO OFF”
  • “STUCK A 4 INCH BUTT PLUG UP RECTUM YESTERDAY, HANDLE BROKE. HE CONTINUED TO PUSH THE TOY IN”
  • “WAS USING PROSTATE MASSAGER & IT GOT 'SUCKED IN'”'
  • CHRISTMAS ORNAMENT

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