As any queer woman will attest, straight people love trying to set us up with their one queer mate. And as any queer woman will also attest, these set ups rarely work. Because queer women are notoriously picky. I'd even go as far to wager that, out of all the gender / sexuality combos, we're most likely to know exactly what our extremely narrow “type” is and stick to it.
Regardless of who you go for, a “type” says a lot about a person. Only date Scorpio moon placements who wear vests and “look like they could be into ketamine but aren't actually into ketamine”? Only swipe right on people who look like Shane from The L Word if you squint and will probably ruin your life? Are all of your exes techno DJs? None of this is a coincidence. Your taste in women is a window into your horny heart and unsolved parental issues.
YOUR BEST FRIEND
I’m so sorry. You came out to your close friends and Instagram followers last year and are yet to meet your first proper girlfriend. Don’t worry: you’ll carry on harbouring these bottomless, unspoken and unreciprocated torturous crushes on the women in your best friendship circles for the rest of your life.
THE EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE KRISTEN STEWART LOOKALIKE
Sure, she takes three days to respond to texts and murmurs things like “sometimes I feel so much I can barely feel at all” while blowing cigarette smoke out the bedroom window, but that's not going to stop you from obsessing over this woman for approximately four years during your not-quite-semi-relationship (“I can't give myself to anyone right now,” she tells you for the 120th time, before giving you the best head of your life).
If this is your type, then join the club. She is 75 percent of queer women's type. Up until you realise you'd rather date someone who doesn't wear a thumb ring and actually likes you back.
RIDICULOUSLY HOT PEOPLE / MODELS
If you consistently only ever date ridiculously hot girls / could be models / people who are objectively out of your league, then you are either A) old school rich, B) professionally successful, or C) cool in that way that's difficult to quantify but boils down to the fact you lived in Berlin for "about a year”, speak really slowly and ironically and only ever wear turtlenecks and designer jeans.
FLIPPANT BICURIOUS HEARTBREAKERS
We’ve all fallen victim to this at least once in our lives, particularly in this Modern Age where society has collectively realised that all women are objectively more aesthetically pleasing than men and that every boob is deserving of a plinth. Plenty of women are hypothetically down to sleep with other women and the world is all the better for it. But if you’re someone who consistently goes for bicurious women – rather than bisexual women who are too frequently lumped in with the casually curious due to biphobia – and gets their heart broken, there's an issue.
We're not psychologists but you're probably, like, subconsciously living out the trauma of countless generations of queer women. You believe somewhere deep down that it’s your cross to bear the stereotype of Longing, Lonely Queer. Release the ample burden, friend, or reach the age of 27 when respite from this pattern comes, at least until your mid-life crisis.
THE OLDER WOMAN
And by "older woman", I mean Gillian Anderson and anyone who vaguely reminds you of Gillian Anderson. Your English teacher from school. Your friend's mum. Your other friend's mum. That woman at work who came over and told you off that time about something which you don't actually remember because you were too busy fantasising about her stamping on your face.
If this sounds like you, then you probably have a complicated relationship with your mother and / or grew up with a distinct lack of authority. Your teenage years were spent skipping school, underage drinking and shoplifting nail varnish and now, inexplicably, the only way a woman can get your attention is if she's 37+, wears a tailored suit and responds to you only by slowly raising one eyebrow.
POLYAMOROUS QUEER ALTERNATIVE MODELS
You found this extremely hot tattooed Suicide Girl while on a dating app. As you swipe through her pictures, you come to one troubling last image: her wearing a pair of booty shorts, arm around an ugly man whose hand is on those tiny shorts. Could this be…. her colleague? Step-brother? Overly friendly neighbour? No, you know exactly who this is: it’s a man who has agreed to a threesome with another queer woman. That hairy long-term boyfriend is on the menu. You start talking to her knowing messages are getting fielded through this man. They probably reply together in bed. You keep getting your phone out your pocket to look at the guy again. Can you do this?
You realise that once again you're sick, feeling ill, coming down with something terrible. The disease? You’re just too horny, man.
DJ / ARTIST / MUSICIAN
You pride yourself on being a fun-loving yet sensitive person. You have an arts or literature degree. Your aspiration in life is to be big enough to leave Twitter and also get a chihuahua. If you’ve managed to date more than one DJ, you’ve won the queer lottery. You’ve got guest list to sick parties, access to free drinks and therefore the potential for viral hot selfies with famous queer women, Whitney Mixter and Lindsay Lohan.
Look, get comfortable in the chaos. If the above is your type, it will forever be your type. As much as you see yourself growing up and dating a Carol and moving to the Surrey countryside, you’ll celebrate your 40th birthday with your #creative gf at Dinah Shore in a thong bikini and hopefully with a Jäger branded deal between the pair of you. We know who we’d rather be.
NEWLY OUT AND ~VERY ONLINE GIRLS
You’re a glutton for punishment and deserve every miserable night of heartbreak you get.