Straight People Tell Us Why They Go to Queer Parties

Queer parties are safe spaces for the LGBTQ community. Here they are welcome, not alienated; their pleasures are shared, not stigmatized; and they are celebrated, not just tolerated. But queer parties have become all that and more for those who identify as straight, too. 

Social media is now awash with comparisons of straight and gay clubs, with the latter gaining a reputation for having better music, better dancing, and simply a better vibe. There’s also more discourse around ways LGBTQ allies can attend Pride events, what makes queer parties queer, and the tricky balance of inclusivity and exclusivity. All these conversations extend to mainstream media where, for the first time in the show’s “her-story,” there’s a cisgender heterosexual male contestant on RuPaul’s Drag Race, sparking a debate on what it means to be a drag queen and who can be one.

The notion of straight people attending queer parties raises questions on cultural appropriation, but it’s also a sign of progress for society as a whole.

Below, VICE spoke with some straight people about why they go to queer parties, the importance of respecting the LGBTQ community as an ally, and how being around the queer community has changed their outlook on life. 

Sydney, Australia 

VICE:  Tell us about the first time you went to a queer party.
Mathew: The first time I went to a queer party was in 2012, when I was 21 years old. A friend of mine had come out of the closet that evening and revealed that he had been in a secret relationship with an openly gay friend of ours. To his surprise, we were all very accepting. We decided to head to ARQ, the biggest and most famous gay club in Sydney, to celebrate his coming out.

I had seen footage of inside the club before, so I thought I knew what to expect. I expected to see a club full of men dancing, nothing too crazy.

The first thing I saw was a packed dance floor full of shirtless guys dancing skin to skin. It was dark and there was a fog machine going with laser lights cutting through the fog. Techno music was playing and the air smelled of fog machine, sweat, and alcohol. It was intense. There were so many guys passionately making out, which was confronting to me at first, as I had never witnessed anything like that. I expected to be hit on by other guys but everyone was very respectful and I didn’t feel uncomfortable at all. I loved the techno music they were playing and everyone just seemed to be having a great time.

Interestingly, when I got to the front of the queue at ARQ, the bouncer asked me if I knew what “type of place this is.” The vibe I give off must have changed from that night because that was the only time I’ve ever been asked that question.

How are queer parties different from straight parties?
The thing I like most about queer parties is the feeling of no judgment. I feel like you can really be yourself around queer people. At straight parties, there’s too much machismo going on, guys are usually just there to pick up chicks and look tough. People don’t seem to get into the music as much and there are lots of fights. I’ve never seen any hint of aggression at a queer party. You’ll actually see a lot of straight women go to gay clubs in Sydney just so they can enjoy a night out without being hit on by sleazy guys. Most straight guys won’t believe this but gay guys party harder than them. They stay out longer and actually dance all night.

As a straight person, do you feel welcome in queer parties?
I always feel welcome at queer parties. People at queer parties usually assume that I’m gay but even if they don’t, I’ve never been made to feel unwelcome. If you feel unwelcome at a queer party, it’s probably because of the vibe you’re giving off, not your sexuality. Since the pandemic happened, most of the queer places in Sydney have shut down, so I haven’t been to a queer party in two years. If I had the choice, I would take a queer party over a straight party every time.

Manila, Philippines

How are queer parties different from straight parties?
Annika: The energy. Queer parties will give you the best energy. They just do whatever they want, be who they want to be. I have been looking for this my whole life, especially growing up in a very Catholic school, family, and country. I always got into trouble for expressing too much of myself, and it took me a while but now I finally found where I belong. Not to mention the taste for fashion and music. I don’t think I’ve ever met any plain, vanilla, boring person at a queer party. 

How has going to queer parties changed your outlook on life in general
Well, it has set the bar high for me and my friends when it comes to partying. But it also made me more open as a person and helped me get to know who I really am. It built my confidence and made me believe in myself. I look at things differently now, rather than having all these judgments and presumptions. I will always be grateful for that. It kind of became my “advocacy” to meet different types of genders and to “not hate, but educate” my straight friends about the community. 

What’s one thing you want people to know about queer parties?
Just come as you are. It’s all about respecting and celebrating our individualities as humans, and not having those stupid normie rules. And that it’s not always a sex party. 

Palawan, Philippines

Tell us about the first time you went to a queer party.
Andrew: I was in my mid- to late-teens the first time I ever went to a queer party. I grew up in London and started partying when I was 16, often frequenting Fabric London [a nightclub] in Kings Cross. One night without knowing, we just happened to go on queer night. Fabric always represented a safe space, a free space, for me, so it didn’t actually make a difference that it was a queer night. Even on other nights, I would notice all kinds of things that were new and intriguing to me. More than anything, I just enjoyed the fact that everyone was free to express. And people only ever encouraged the way I wanted to express myself, too. 

How are queer parties different from straight parties? 
Queer people really know how to have a good time. More than that, I'm always made to feel safe and comfortable. There’s always a general understanding on consent and boundaries, which creates a vibrant space for expression.

What’s one thing you want people to know about queer parties?
You can be whatever you want. You can express any way you like. Just get out there and put glitter around your eyes. Dance like a fairy, like a ballerina. Feel weird. Feel wonderful. Feel magical. Do anything you like. Be a man. Be a woman. Be all the beautiful things in between. You’ll be loved!

Manila, Philippines

How are queer parties different from straight parties?
Ola:  With queer parties, when you come in, you feel welcome. I think it’s because of the kind of experience this community has. There’s a struggle to fit in society, but that community has themselves—they trust in themselves, they believe in themselves.

How has going to queer parties changed your outlook on life in general
Kevyn: Since I was young, I never saw it as, “I’m a girl, you’re a boy.” I always see it as we’re really just human beings. That was my perception ever since, so being exposed to [the queer community] makes me feel like I belong there. Because my intellect and beliefs in life are not being questioned, but being heard and understood.  I feel so lucky and grateful to have these moments with those people. 

What’s one thing you want people to know about queer parties?
Ola: Joining parties and being around the LGBTQ community made me feel that this is how I want to see society in the long run—full of love. Because if a group of people can do that in a small quantity, of course, a larger quantity can do that also. Whatever is big today started small. 

Manila, Philippines

How are queer parties different from straight parties?
Regina: Queer parties are just more fun. The music is usually better—we owe house music to the queer community—but genre doesn’t really seem to matter when it comes to queer parties, because the atmosphere just feels more free and accepting. People are really there to dance and have a good time, as opposed to “straight” parties I’ve been to where it always felt like people were there, not so much for the music, but to see and be seen. 

Also, as a woman, I love queer parties because I feel safe there, too. I’ve never had to worry that I was unsafe. I’ve never had to fend off unwanted drunken advances. I’ve always been able to just have a great time and let it all out on the dance floor without fear of harassment or judgment. And I could wear whatever I wanted.

How has going to queer parties changed your outlook on life in general?
I’m one of the founding partners of UNKNWN—we used to throw parties [in the Philippines] before COVID wrecked it for all of us—and a lot of the clubbing I did in queer spaces in Berlin informed my involvement in that. I think it was the same for the other partners, in some form or another. We got together because we found something in the parties we’d been to outside of Manila that we just wanted to bring back in some form—that energy, that spirit, that acceptance, that inclusivity, that freedom. Beyond the great music, just that desire to create a space where people can have fun, be themselves, and be free. I think now more than ever, after two years of this pandemic, we all understand how valuable that is, and we are very much looking forward to throwing those parties again when we are able to.

What’s one thing you want people to know about queer parties?
For the straight people? That queer parties are the best parties, and that it’s a privilege for us to be allowed in, so come with respect or don’t come at all. Be fabulous.

Milan, Italy

Tell us about the first time you went to a queer party.
Mikhail: I think it was summer 2005 or 2006, at the Matinee party at Space in Ibiza, which was a renowned queer party on the island. I went with some friends of my girlfriend at the time, and was not aware it was a queer party, but I wasn’t fussed at all and I remember it was a great vibe—happy, uplifting music, and a lot of positivity.

How are queer parties different from straight parties? 
The energy is definitely on another level, without a doubt. Hence they are usually the longest-lasting parties. The main queer parties I was regularly exposed to were, of course, Elephant at XX XX [a nightclub in Manila, which I co-founded], and Berghain in Berlin, which is by definition an LGBTQ-friendly club. The openness of the crowds both to music and people, the lack of judgment, and the positivity is something you don’t get at “regular” parties. People are on the dance floor to have fun and let go, and as a DJ, you can go from underground techno to playing Kylie Minogue and the crowd will appreciate it. 

How has going to queer parties changed your outlook on life in general?
I guess it really showed me the spirit of a community and the value of building a sub-culture through it, with people who really believe in it. It really ties people together and can be a safe haven for so many—no matter what sexual orientation or background—especially in a wider society that has its flaws. A lot of beautiful things can come out [of queer parties and communities], from relationships, to work and shared memories. I also learned the value of openness and acceptance in a group, and the lack of judgment on a superficial level.

La Union, Philippines

Tell us about the first time you went to a queer party.
Amy: My first time at a queer party was when we threw a Pride event in La Union back in June 2019. At that time, we noticed that more and more queer Manila folk were spending their weekends in La Union, and it changed the temperature of the parties in the surftown. During Pride, we deliberately wanted to tip the balance to welcome more queer people. Before, the dance floor was where guys could hit on drunk women. During that Pride party, it was more about vibing with others, meeting new friends, enjoying good music, and self-expression. 

As a straight person, do you feel welcome in queer parties?
I always feel welcome, actually. I think losing inhibition while surrounded by people who also understand being marginalized, judged, or ostracized is a great experience. There’s a sense of community there. As an outsider, I never felt like my queer friends were territorial about their safe spaces. The more safe spaces, the better. I’m a married woman with kids, so I don’t always have time to go to parties. But being in a queer-dominated space is great. It makes you think about the concerns of everyone, not just the majority. 

How has going to queer parties changed your outlook on life in general?
One big thing is I started prioritizing diversity. Not just in partying, but in all aspects of life. Part of me is always looking around—where are the outcasts, where are the vulnerable, where are the people who are fighting to be free? That’s where I want to be. 

Interviews have been edited for length and clarity.

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