A Guide to Having a Threesome During the Pandemic

If there’s one thing the cursed year of 2020 has taught me, it’s that people will do anything to continue fucking. Physical intimacy was one of the major things that had to take a backseat through the lockdown given the very obvious fear of transmitting the Coronavirus to the other person, or getting it from them. The threat doubles when you are queer and are prone to freak over STIs. But hey, you try telling gay men to not screw each other for extended durations of time. Turns out, even in the face of a global armageddon, the body goes on wanting what it wants, and there is only so much masturbating that can get you through it.

Before the lockdown, my partner and I enjoyed the usual ménage à trois every few months because it became an easy way to rekindle the sexual tension within our relationship by inviting a third person into the mix. But picking a threeway partner is as complicated as finding someone for the long haul to settle down with. They have to meet the specifications of not one but two people, and also need to know what to do in bed with the said people. They also have to have no feelings for you whatsoever (no one needs the throuple trouble), and should be okay not being a literal third wheel.

As lockdowns eased, people went back to screwing each other like we used to. How many of them stayed safe from the virus, we don’t really know. But looking at the second surge of numbers in many countries around the world, one can make an estimated guess that even safe sex isn’t really going to stop the virus. I too am guilty of it, especially since I was locked away from my partner for four self-help months. So when we got together in July, we packed all that make-up sex into a week. And then we wanted more—a sacrificial lamb to quench our horniness. 

So, why do we like threesomes?

A threesome, between three people regardless of their gender, is a gleeful experience and I recommend that everyone should give it a try once, just so you can understand how much the pornos have been lying to us. Threesomes have been built up into these mystical experiences almost, a golden bridge only a few lucky ones get to tread. In his book, Tell Me What You Want, sex researcher Dr. Justin Lehmiller says, “Most of these people (who want threesomes) are in long-term, monogamous relationships, and they are looking at threesomes as a way of injecting novelty into their sex life.”

In the case of a woman joining a couple, she is referred to as a Unicorn because it’s rare for women to be immediately into threesomes. But in the case of men, they might as well call us walruses because in my vast experience, a lot us are just ready to wobble into bed with multiple partners. Every man on Grindr wants a threeway, all the time. Also, as a comedian myself, I’ve noticed every straight comedian has a bit on threesomes because they wish they had that much action going on in their life.

It’s never going to be easy to make sure all the players get equal air time when it comes to a threeway hookup. Those effortless Spit Roasting and Eiffel Tower positions that porn actors pull off way too easily don’t always hold up. There have been occasions where I’ve had to stare at my partner going at it with another man because I had to nurse a cramp, and it honestly used to piss me off for being left out even for a little while. However, now it actually turns me on. It’s literally like watching a porno unfold on your couch.

After gathering a fair bit of experience, we’ve figured the dos and don’ts for a sexy trinity. And now feels like a good time to disseminate the lessons we’ve gathered—especially in these weird times where it kinda feels normal but is totally not.

• Get tested first: Put your mind at ease and insist that everyone involved in the three-to-tango deal gets tested, for the virus as well as STIs.
• Santise your space and the sheets: Whenever I go to meet a couple for a threeway, I first notice the bed and the space around it. If the area is a pigsty with no hygiene, it’s an instant turn-off. Also, make sure the bed/mattress can take the weight of a threeway and the cuddling session after.
• Keep condoms and lubricants handy: Because you will need them. A lot of them. Mainly if you’re taking turns pounding two people back to back.
• Make the person feel at ease: As Indians often say, “Atithi Devo Bhava”, which means the guest is godlike. Make them feel that way, and then carry the reverence into the bedroom too.
• Use ambient lighting and sounds: There will be a lot of grunting and sweating and awkward elbow nudges and knees running into bellies by mistake. Having ambient music and dimmer lights always help take the awkwardness away. 
• Keep a towel ready: The juices need to keep flowing, but they do not need to collect.
• Don’t start with your partner first: This is a very key rule to a threeway if you’re hosting a person or inviting them into your little circle. Your partner and you already have each other, so it’s good to not let the third person feel more insecure. Let them feel that you are extending some of your love to them and inviting them with warmth. Kiss them first, put them at ease. Most importantly, kissing is the easiest way to find out if it’s building up to something steamier. Bad kissers have rarely done well in our experience. The tongue has to be actively involved.
  

  If you’re the third wheel

• A little cleanliness goes a long way: There have been times when men have come over to our place and refused to freshen up despite us asking them to. I personally love eating ass, and my partner and I have come to expect a certain level of hygiene from each other. But to break it down to a third person can be difficult, so make it less weird by taking a bath beforehand, and if you still stink, just desperately hope the couple is into it. 
• Compliment people the right way: When you go over for a threesome, your objective can’t just be to get laid. Talk to the couple you’re meeting, learn about them and compliment them in a way that makes sense. A man once laughingly called my partner a “motu” (colloquially, a “fatso”), and we immediately wanted to run away, which we did because of the next point.
• Don’t just lie there: This is the main issue we have when we invite someone over for a threesome. They just don’t participate in a way that requires equal distribution of physical activity. This one man we used to meet every now and then started off super enthusiastic but with time, would just fall prostrate on the bed and expect us to take care of his ass, à la some toddler who needed his diapers changed. Be more into it. It’s a special occasion considering people are dying all over. Respect the fact that you’re still alive and throbbing.
• Morning-after etiquette: A recent threesome encounter that happened via Grindr saw us flouting most of our own rules for threesomes. The man was just so hot we ended up having a perfectly steamy threeway. However, the next day, he kept saying how much he liked us and would love to come over again that day. And while it’s great that you like the experience, you still have to understand that you are being invited into someone’s life and into their sanctum sanctorum: their bed. As hot as it is, it’s also sacred and taking some time between threesomes is smart. On the other hand, if you didn’t enjoy yourself, don’t give customer feedback like it’s a shitty hotel on Google Maps.

Follow Navin on Twitter on Instagram.