For Some Recovering Self-Harmers, Lockdown Is Like Being Back at Square One

Content warning: self-harm.

The COVID-19 pandemic has triggered a mental health epidemic. It’ll be a while before research can assess the true extent of the psychological damage inflicted by the crisis, but it’s fair to say that 2020 has been an incredibly challenging year for everyone.

It’s been particularly challenging for those grappling with mental illness. A survey conducted by Mind in June found that 65 percent of adult participants with a pre-existing mental health problem felt their mental health got worse over lockdown, with this figure rising to 75 percent among 13 to 24-year-olds with pre-existing mental health problems.

The pandemic has caused many recovering sufferers to relapse. And this, in turn, has caused recovering self-harmers to relapse too.

Iona*, 22, suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder and faced a self-harm relapse during the first lockdown in spring. She says it was “stressful” to be locked down at her parents’ house where she felt compelled to hide her behaviours from them. “I don’t really have the sort of relationship with my parents where I can talk to them about these things, because they don’t really understand mental illness and how it’s not just all in my head.”

“Not being able to see my friends in person made it hard,” Iona continues. “It’s also much easier to miss things like doctors appointments or counselling sessions if it’s all done over the phone.” To take her mind off intrusive thoughts, Iona played a lot of old video games over lockdown which she says was “a good distraction.”

Nineteen-year-old Hattie* was also locked down at her parents’ home and this also took its toll. “Lockdown has been hard,” she says. “I find it hard to be honest with my parents about how I feel and don’t want to worry my mum if she were to see cuts on my arms again, as she worries a lot.”

Hattie was also living with a parent with mental illness over lockdown. “My dad also struggles with depression, and his mental health deteriorated over lockdown, so I didn’t want to make the situation worse. I was still severely depressed but tried to hide it for the sake of my parents.“

Things aren’t perfect now that Hattie is back at university in Liverpool. “The online aspect is something I have really struggled with as I lack motivation and then tend to beat myself up for feeling constantly behind,” she says. But she also acknowledges that, in some ways, things are better than they were at home. “Being busy is good for taking my mind away from my depression. I luckily still have my job at uni.” Hattie has also found exercising and visiting the gym to be a useful coping mechanism.

Self-harm is still massively stigmatised, and even when those in need of help do reach out, it seems GPs are reluctant to take their concerns seriously. A Samaritans survey from October 2020 found that only 19 percent of participants sought support from a GP after recent self-harm, but a third of this group were not offered any advice, follow-up support or referrals for onward care. Considering that some people who self-harm are also at greater risk of suicide, this is extremely concerning.

Given the difficulty of accessing support in the current climate, it appears that even fewer people will now be able to get the right help. The Samaritans list loss of coping mechanisms, loneliness and uncertainty about the future as contributing factors for a potential self-harm increase in these anxiety-riddled times.

David Cameron’s 2016 pledge to achieve “parity of esteem” between mental and physical health by 2020 has gone spectacularly out the window: mental and physical health have been constantly pitted against each other by the government throughout the pandemic. The Samaritans state on their website that “extra support is needed for young people to prevent a further increase in self-harm rates and ensure effective care for young people who currently self-harm,” so genuine parity of esteem could have really helped right about now.

Aisha*, 21, is another who has reverted to her old, unhealthy habits over lockdown. “I stopped self-harming at the age of 18, going to university really helped me find my own feet, develop my personality and interests, I felt stronger and more independent,” she says. “Once lockdown came along, that all felt as if it was swept away. I felt back at square one [like] when I was 13.”

“I reverted back to old habits and gave in one night. I instantly regretted it,” she continues. “I'm better than that. I've worked hard and can work hard again. I still have it in me. And I haven't done it since.” Aisha says she’s been focusing a lot of her time on home workouts to take her mind off intrusive thoughts of self-harm, and so far, it’s worked.

Mette Isaken, senior research and evidence manager at Samaritans, explained to VICE just how critical the situation is for others like Iona, Hattie and Aisha. “Our volunteers are telling us that since March, they have been taking more calls from young people who are distressed and worried about the future. Many young people contacting Samaritans are struggling with the restrictions as the coping strategies they usually rely on, including services and contact with friends, are less available. We know some people self-harm as a way of trying to cope with distressing feelings but that self-harm does not help reduce distress longer term. The risk now is that the restrictions make it harder for people to access safe and healthy coping strategies when they’re struggling.”

 “Throughout the lockdown and future restrictions,” Isaken continued. “it is vital that mental health support continues to be available to anyone who has self-harmed or is struggling to cope. Beyond the pandemic, self-harm must be prioritised by government and NHS England through targeted investment that helps people develop effective, healthy coping strategies.” 

*Names have been changed.

The Samaritans are here to help those who are feeling overwhelmed: you can call them for free on 116 123 or email them. If you’re looking to support a friend who is self-harming, they have useful guidance for this on their website.