It has only been two years since Pizza Rat was seen dragging a slice of plain cheese pizza down a flight of stairs in a New York City subway station. Two years, but how this country has changed since then. Now, even the rats have moved on, wasting their disposable income on avocados and ensuring that they’ll never have enough money to buy their own homes. Jessica Edwards, a documentary filmmaker, captured one of these misguided millennial rodents as it pulled half an avocado under the tracks in Brooklyn’s Greenpoint Avenue station. “Even the rats in #nyc are on trend,” she wrote on Instagram. “Hope he finds some toast.”
I hope he finds some help, Jessica. Sure, he’s like “This is avoca-dope” now, but what happens when he realizes that his life is as empty as the rough green skin left behind? What happens when his lack of vision causes his family and friends to discard him like a matted gray avocado pit? And, worst of all, what if he took that home and turned it into an avocado latte or avocado toast pizza? At that point, no one can save him.
Oh #AvocadoRat, what have you done? According to Rattitude, the site ‘Where Rats Rule,’ rats are encouraged to “use caution” when eating avocados. “Avocados are high in fat and are a good treat to feed rats that need to gain weight quickly,” the site says. “However, the pit, rind, skin and leaves of avocados are toxic. The part of the fruit in contact with the pit has a higher concentration of toxins.”
What about the part of the fruit that has come in contact with a reckless rodent who needs to start thinking past his next piece of sprouted grain avocado toast? What about a rat who realizes that even the fattiest avocados can’t fill the void in his spirit? What then, Rattitude, what then?