Welcome to the Noisey Power Rankings, where we look back at the week in culture to see who had a good week and who had a bad week. Let's see how the week of October 1 treated everyone…
Jesus, where to begin? In the span of just one week, Kanye West dropped by The Fader offices wearing a MAGA hat and a Kaepernick shirt, stood on a desk at an art school to tell people to leave Elon Musk the fuck alone, told TMZ that Abraham Lincoln might have been black, ate bugs, and had his Yeezy basketball sneakers banned by the NBA for being too reflective. Still hasn’t dropped Yandhi.
Lil Xan moves up in the rankings for going a whole week without having to go to the hospital for a snack-related injury. Congrats!
Keenan Thompson gets a double bump up this week for becoming SNL’s longest-running cast member and for being wise enough to stay clear of Kanye’s whooooole thing when he was the musical guest. And since Keenan is doing well, maybe It’s time for a Kel renaissance? Just throwing that out there.
Human Pee-Wee’s Playhouse character Steve Harvey moves way, way down this week for using quotes from Joel Osteen to take jabs at Pusha-T. He even pronounced it “Pusher-T” with a hard R. You really have to be going out of your way to pronounce someone’s name racistly.
Mark Hoppus gets a bump up for coming to terms with the universal truth that our teenage years represent our creative peak. Well, we guess this is growing up.
Cardi B almost moved down this week for being charged with assault, but then she looked glamorous as fuck while turning herself in so she nets positive here. This woman takes no losses.
Lil Wayne finally released Tha Carter V. Doesn’t even matter if it’s good or not. We were just sick of waiting.
Swedish soccer player Kennedy Bakircioglu moves up this week for having a beer thrown at him from the crowd, catching it, and downing it while still running. Proper unit.
Snoop Dogg was so close to moving up this week after he called Kanye out on his bullshit, but then he immediately caved after Kanye wore a shirt with his face on it. That’s a drop in position right there.
Hot Dog Buns
Hot dog buns moved up after some hero allegedly threw a stale bun at Bill Cosby in jail. Although, now that we think about that, buns seem like a tricky thing to get any power behind as a projectile. Sure, maybe you could ball it up and dip it in water and whip it real hard. We want to believe.
Steak-Umm's Social Media Manager
The Steak-Umm social media manager gets a little bump up for watching Fight Club for the first time.
"The Monster Mash"
The most famous song (that’s actually a song about another song) is back for Halloween and we are here for the graveyard smash.
While most of us are guilty of trying to impress our partners by making a lame 420 joke, only one person on planet earth is capable of being ousted as the CEO of his company and paying $20 million dollars because of it.
IT’S OCTOBER MOTHERFUCKERS, TIME TO BREAK OUT THE DEVILOCKS AND HAIL TO THE ONE TRUE GOD OF HALLOWEEN, GLENN DANZIG. AYOOHHHHHHH!
Poop had a big week. In addition to American Vandal Season 2, Lil B also discussed poop at great length via a series of tweets. Number 2 moves up to Number 1 in the power rankings.
Lana Del Rey
Famously bad SNL guest Lana Del Rey moves up for putting fellow famously bad SNL guest Kanye West in his place on Instagram.
Van Morrison moves down for announcing a new album whose cover looks like a PSA for inappropriate puppet touching.
UB40 moves up for IMMEDIATELY distancing themselves from sobbing adult boy Brett Kavanaugh. They also have a new album out soon apparently? Good for them. All press is good press.
Like, 18 million phones move down this week for getting that fucking Presidential notification.
Coffee moves down in the rankings this week after Korn announced their own brand of coffee. It’s all over if someone ever invents Papa Roast.
Zedd moves down for shittalking “Mo Bamba” and getting owned by literally every DJ.