FYI.

This story is over 5 years old.

The Stories Issue

Vice Mail

I used to be one of the many people who, for no good reason, disliked cops. Then about two months ago I was sodomized at knifepoint a few feet from my front door. I can say now that I have nothing but respect and admiration for the police.

COPS ISSUE UNDERSTOOD

Dear

Vice

,

I used to be one of the many people who, for no good reason, disliked cops. Then about two months ago I was sodomized at knifepoint a few feet from my front door. I can say now that I have nothing but respect and admiration for the police. Everyone whom I came in contact with both at my local precinct and at the Special Victims Unit—not to mention the hospital and courthouse and everywhere else—was above and beyond amazing. Not only that, but they caught the piece of human garbage who attacked me in a week and a day. And people say they don’t get things done. There are asshole cops just as there are assholes in every line of work. People need to realize that they are regular people doing extraordinary work and stop hating on them so much. Otherwise, they’ll be like me and it’ll take a really harsh dose of reality for them to see that cops are there to protect us and catch the people who really make it a hassle to live here. Thanks for doing an issue about police that shows them as more than a uniform and a gun. Keep up the great work, I love your magazine!

Advertisement

Best wishes,

ANNA

New York, NY

COPS ISSUE MISUNDERSTOOD

Dear

Vice

,

If you love cops you obviously don’t live in the East Village. They are more interested in stuffing doughnuts into their mouths to increase the size of their fucking HUGE asses than in stopping violent crime. Jumping a turnstile, skateboarding, pissing in the street, having a little dog off a leash, not stopping your bike at a red light—now those will make the 9th Precinct dicks send you downtown. But do they deal with violent crime? Fuck no—they might break a fingernail. Oh, it’s great when they call people “faggots,” “assholes,” and “mothercluckers.” Yeah, I love the 9th. I got attacked and they didn’t even file a report. Real fucking cupcakes and fine specimens of humanity. Dial 911 and count the half-hours it takes for them to come. If you need to find them, try looking at the nearest Dunkin’ Donuts. If you have any problems remember the Civilian Complaint Review Board—they know the 9th really well. Oh, and when you see one, just call him a “doughnut eater”—they can’t do shit for calling it like it is.

JM

From viceland.com

What the fuck is a “motherclucker”?

WE’RE COPS, WE’RE QUEER, GET USED TO IT

Dear

Vice

,

Regarding the police guy in “Pink in Blue” insisting that ten percent of the Dutch police must be in the closet—that ten-percent stat was invented by gays to make them sound less weird. The true number is more like one percent. Ask a homo friend after a few drinks—he’ll admit it. It makes sense too when you think about it. Ten percent implies that out of every class you had in high school, each one had about three gays in it. Yeah right. One in 100 is more like it, and we all know it.

Advertisement

ANONYMOUS

From viceland.com

SURE, SURE

Dear

Vice

,

Are you guys dudes who rate what’s a DO or a DON’T? Because your fixation with fashion and what’s hot or not is so gay. I’m surprised you have time to rate women’s outfits when there’s probably a new Pottery Barn catalog waiting in your mail bin. If you are a man, you’re a complete pussy. There is nothing worse than a guy who gives a shit about what “labels” a girl is wearing. I’ve been rocking the black-t-shirt-and-blue-jeans look for years with great luck. REAL men don’t give a shit what a girl is wearing as long as they know they can score.

Your obsession with fashion is so ultra-faggoty it’s gross. You should see a doctor about your testosterone levels.

Kisses,

SUKO

Via email

Are the DOs and DON’Ts really about what’s hot and what’s not? No they aren’t, you fucking retard. In fact, the majority of the time a DON’T is someone that takes fashion really seriously and is trying their ass off. Go to the archives page online and look at the past 200 in the grid. Does it look like a column about labels?

DON’T HOLD YOUR BREATH DEPT.

Hey

Vice

,

I was wondering if Electric Independence is ever coming back. Any info would be appreciated—our beards are already plenty long and gray.

Thanks,

PETER LANSKY

Via email

Nope. Not in the American edition anyway. We’re over it. Those sophisticates in Europe still love “electronica,” so we run it there. You can read it at viceland.com.

Advertisement

COPS’ FAVORITE PEOPLE

Dear

Vice,

In response to “Policing the Police,” yes, yes, many of the CCRB investigators were and possibly are young white kids from the suburbs of Whereversville. As a former CCRB investigator who was born and raised in New York City, this was initially a bone of contention for me. However, the fact was that we all went through a rigorous hiring process and were trained to investigate the validity of complaints. We accomplished this by reviewing police records (I don’t know where Jenn was working, but the rest of us had access to police records), interviewing officers, canvassing neighborhoods in search of credible witnesses, and then analyzing the information. That’s what was done, and generally done soundly. Investigators are not seasoned vets of the NYPD, but are overall bright and savvy people. Maybe Jenn is simply boasting of her own BA in ineptitude from Princeton? In the end, our cases were checked and rechecked by several seasoned investigators and a supervisor before they were sent forward.

My supervisor, a former NYPD detective with over 25 years on the job, often supported my position when a case was moving toward substantiation. And when he didn’t agree, he often had good reason—not just because he, like the subject officer, loved doughnuts and Coney Island. When asked, he imparted knowledge about the inner workings of various units and assisted the team toward a clear and fair recommendation. The real issue as I see it is that the NYPD can either accept or reject a recommendation of substantiation against an officer. Why have an independent review body if the department ultimately makes the final decision? Many of us felt that all of our hard work was for naught.

Advertisement

Jenn Riley’s assessment of the CCRB was unfair, and in some ways an absolute distortion of reality. CCRB investigations are quality investigations, the investigators smart and hardworking. Any glitches in the system should be blamed on bureaucracy and not the investigative body.

FORMER CCRB’R

From viceland.com

Fine, but the point is our culture is so determined to “Question Authority” and catch people in uniform fucking up that the abuse pendulum has swung the other way and they can no longer do their fucking jobs. Policing the police sounds good on paper, but when you’re the only ones playing by the rules, you are a sitting duck for people that can’t wait to abuse the system.

ESKIMO LIFE

Dear

Vice

,

That picture of the Eskimo kid with the eyeball in his mouth from the Photo Issue was pretty intense, but it only scratches the surface of the type of carnage that goes on during meals out in Inuit country. I know you guys probably think he’s a chode, but did you catch the episode of that Anthony Bourdain show where he’s eating the raw seal with the Inuit family, and they’re all just tearing out huge hunks of muscle and fat with their hands and wolfing it down? I have seen pretty much every zombie movie made to date and still, there’s one shot of the grandmother grinning with all that fucking gore coming down her chin that is permanently scorched into the back of my retinas. It’s a shame you didn’t do anything with them back in the Food Issue. Come to think of it, it’s also a shame you didn’t have them in the Natives Issue.

Advertisement

Regards,

KEVIN HUN

Oakland, CA

GROSS JAR INTERNATIONALE

Hey

Vice

,

Here are my suggestions for your Gross Jar.

I’d suggest anything piscatorial would be a winner. Fish and Crustaceans smell god awful when they putrefy. Plus a rotting fish head would look super gross. Although I haven’t researched how much of a hassle it would be to get hold of, it might be possible to persuade a vet to give you a pair of dog balls. I assume they just throw ‘em away after de-sexing the poor buggers so, if you happen to know a vet, it might be a goer. And just as an afterthought: a hard boiled egg, brown sauce, human breast milk, blood from any animal, medical waste (kidney stone, placenta etc.), yoghurt, spam.

Yum,

Regards

BEN SHUREY

Via email.

THE PETA PATTER OF LITTLE FEET

Dear

Vice

,

When will you guys get it through your heads that pictures of dead animals aren’t fucking cool or “edgy”? I know you think you’re really burking all the hippies and animal rights people by running that shot of the bloody cat face in your Photo Issue, but in fact all you’re doing is turning the stomachs of every member of your readership with even one shred of common decency. You wouldn’t show a person’s face bleeding all over the street and pretend it’s “art.” How about showing the same fucking courtesy for what was undoubtedly a loved and loving member of someone’s family. I hope you feel happy knowing that a few whiskers and some fur are all that separate you from some Xeroxed 80s rapezine.

KYLIE A.

Gainesville, FL

Sorry to break it to you, lady, but all kitty cats will one day die. So will all puppies, bunnies, grandmas, and you. PS: We had Iraqis’ blown-off faces in the Sex Issue.