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Five Reasons For Ayman Al Zawahiri To Be Cheerful

June 16, 2011, 4:40pm

This morning, the Western world woke up to the news that it has a brand new hacky sack of hate to kick about the place. But after the confetti and plastic cups have been tidied away, and the hangover from his inauguration party begins to wear off, what can new al-Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri look forward to in his new role as the most hated man on earth?

NO AWKWARD ASSOCIATIONS WITH THE AMERICAN PRESIDENT

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Unlike his nominally unfortunate predecessor, the chances of Ayman al-Zawahiri ever being linked to his arch-nemesis are remote. Primarily, this is because his name is Ayman al-Zawahiri, and that looks or sounds nothing like Barack Obama, Donald Trump, Michele Bachmann, Sarah Palin or the name of anyone else who's likely to be president of America any time soon. As such, Ayman can get on with plotting to explode the West in a righteous fireball of religious fury without Fox News and other idiots siphoning off all his hard-earned credit.

NO PROFESSED SPORTING ALLEGIANCES

Is it any coincidence that bin Laden's gradual decline as the decade progressed mirrored that suffered by his beloved Arsenal Football Club? Both were double-winners of (different) sorts at the start of the noughties, but as the years plodded on both went hiding time and time again, and ultimately there was to be no return to the Twin Towers. There's no evidence to suggest Ayman's thrown his lot in with any sporting side, and – though he would do well to stick to his purist ideals as rigidly as Arsenal have stuck to theirs – the lack of vicarious pitfalls could work to his benefit. He won't, for instance, be too upset about Denilson's complete inability to track his midfield runner to sit down and focus on the more pressing matter of ending Western civilisation.

NO THREAT OF BEING DEPICTED AS A SEX SYMBOL

While Osama, with his sullen eyes suggestive of post-coital bliss and strong, handsome forehead, sparked feelings of lust in literally dozens of Western women, Ayman al-Zawahiri's eyes peer out sadly from behind a pair of piss-coloured glasses and his forehead has a huge fucking dent in it. As such, Ayman finds himself in a Chinese finger trap of sexual cliche – while it's true that the laydeez love a bad boy, the oft-repeated gag that there are gonna be some pretty disappointed virgins knocking around paradise soon also holds weight. Which is obviously good news for a man who can do without endless tit traffic clogging up his jihad brain-space.

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HE'S ALREADY BEEN ON SOUTH PARK

Matt and Trey are probably putting together an artful, hilarious and poignant dissection of Ayman and his place in the world as we speak, but maybe they should stop their infernal scribbling for a second and just think. Is it really good practice to go back over old ground, guys? The world throws up new idiots every day. Why be so predictable as to focus on Public Idiot #1?

NO "PERSONALITY POLITICS" TO DEPOSE HIM

Though there are those who'd like to oust al-Zawahiri – the ever helpful Daily Mail are already pissing in the corner of Ayman's party – I can't help but note the lack of diversity among the candidates. It seems unlikely, for instance, that a disheartened, apoliticised Taliban public are going to break with tradition and appoint their first ever white, female, Christian leader any time soon, and this relative disregard for novelty may prove to his advantage. Especially when you consider that Ayman himself is a bit of a stick-in-the-mud who's been banging on and on about the same old shit for years.

MAC HACKETT