While we at VICE toil to bring you stories about prostitute-managed fashion labels in São Paulo, transvestites wearing bikinis made out of rats, Japanese kids who inject bagels into their faces, and photo shoots set in suburban tower blocks in Russia, deep down we know that, really, all you want is fashion's TL;DR. That's why we created Tidbits, a regular column that aggregates the dumbest, weirdest, and funniest stuff we see, watch, hear, or read in the fashion part of the internet.
Images by the author
SNAIL FACIALS ARE ALL THE RAGE
People are willing to shell out tons of money to try any weird beauty procedure if they're convinced it'll help turn back the effects of time. The newest, most disgusting trend unearthed by Asians, and globally embraced by rich white people, is snail trail facials. These aren't the typical snail trails left behind on a stripper pole. We're talking about the physical slime that glides off of escargot—the stuff snails sometimes use to find a mate, to be exact. The procedure, which costs roughly about $250, entails letting three organic-fed snails try to find someone to have hermaphrodite sex with all over your face, allowing their slut juices to seep into your pores. The Japanese founded the beauty regime, and it has since spread to disgusting spas near you.
STOLEN ROLEX FOUND INSIDE WOMAN’S VAGINA
The Rolex Presidential Day-Date is one of the most recognizable and ageless timepieces around. It’s been worn by legends like Dwight Eisenhower, JFK, Nixon, Tony Soprano, and more recently was spotted inside of the vagina of a masseuse (*cough* hooker *cough*) at a hotel in Las Vegas. It all started when 66-year-old Kenneth Herold was shark-eyeing babes at a bar inside the hotel when he met Christina Lafave. The two ended up hitting it off, and before he knew it, he had skipped off with her to his room for a private $300 massage (yeah fucking right!). Within five minutes of Christina asking Kenneth to remove his Rolex, he realized his $35,000 timepiece had gone missing. The two got into an altercation over the disappearing item, so Kenneth called hotel security. Christina claimed that Kenneth became upset with her when she refused to perform oral sex without a condom. Shortly after the police arrived for questioning, she admitted that she had stuck the watch up her cooter. She was taken to a local hospital, where an x-ray proved she was telling the truth. The lesson learned here is don't stick things you steal up your hoo-ha. No hiding place is safe from the police.
DOLLY PARTON HAS AN ONLINE STORE
Of all the female superstars with insanely dedicated fanbases, Dolly Parton ranks supreme—and for good reason. On top of being a world famous actress, author, and philanthropist, the 68-year-old singer-songwriter also happens to be an amazing role model. She’s a strong woman, has her own theme park called Dollywood, and is tied with Beyoncé for the most Grammy nominations for a female solo artist. There is no way she isn’t raking in profits. Dolly's profits are surely about to double after she recently opened a brand new online store. At the present time, the e-commerce site is solely comprised of a small handful of products: a few t-shirts, a keychain, one mug, a denim cut off vest (meh?), one lonely pink cowboy hat, and a few other items. I hope there are plans to expand the line to include more attention grabbing items, preferably clothes that are covered in an obnoxious amount of sequins. But all bullshit aside, the whole reason for this post is the image. I just needed a valid reason to spend my time at the office making a GIF of the country goddess’s bouncing boobs. I hope you enjoy the picture as much as I loved creating it. FASHION!
DIMEPIECE BRILLIANTLY PUTS CAM’RON’S FACE ON A BIKINI
It’s hard to make your mark and turn a buck in a market that's already saturated with sportswear designers—at least, unless you put the face of a well known rapper, like Lil B, Tupac, or Killa Cam, on your clothing. Dimepiece, a Los Angeles-based women’s fashion house, must have realized this scheme's brilliance, because for spring and summer 2014, they’ve put out new products featuring two of the three aforementioned hip-hop superstars. It’s not the first time anyone has ever seen either of the men on a t-shirt (most people are probably sick of seeing them on clothes already), but Dimepiece did it right, especially acing the Cam’ron side of the collection. Everyone loves Cam’s pink fur ensemble, and all girls definitely want that displayed on their big ol' bitties this Spring Break. ALL girls!
AMERICAN EAGLE TO MAKE CLOTHING FOR DOGS
Riding on the coattails of an extremely elaborate, yet successful, April Fool's Day joke, American Eagles Outfitters has decided to start making clothing for dogs. The prank initially found its way to the internet days before April 1, when the brand planned to feature its normcore-style apparel on dogs decked out in beanies and sunglasses. After the company finally revealed that it was a really crappy joke, people started to say, “WTF? Seriously? I want my dogs to dress just as shitty as I do,” and the brand decided they were onto something, and American Beagle Outfitters was spawned. There is no official release date yet—just the reassurance that very soon you and your dog will be able to dress like really unfashionable twinsies, and I suppose that’s pretty cool. Girls will love that shit.
BILL MURRAY PROVES HE’S STILL THE COOLEST GUY ON EARTH
Bill Murray, star of Groundhog Day, Meatballs, Ghostbusters, Caddyshack, and every good movie ever made, was recently spotted on a golf course doing what he does best—being the coolest man on earth. Period. For years the internet has run amok with phenomenal stories about the elusive actor's well documented spontaneous acts of wilding out and his eclectic personal style. No matter what he's wearing, he always looks good. Bill is the kind of man that can wear five types of plaid all at once, or a Hawaiian shirt under a tuxedo, and never end up on a worst dressed list. Hell, he could even wear platform Crocs with a baby pink utility vest, translucent cargo shorts, and a jock strap, and fans would still probably say, “Wow, I'm not really mad at that.” This past weekend at the annual Caddyshack Charity Golf Tournament, everyone's favorite I-wish-he-was-my-dad fashion icon was seen sporting a pair of Pabst Blue Ribbon shorts. This isn't the most surprising look the fashion world has seen from him, but he still looked pretty sick and probably got laid as a result of his outfit. There is no way at least one woman didn’t try to hit it.
NYPD SHUTS DOWN SUPREME X NIKE AIR FORCE 1 LAUNCH EVENT IN NEW YORK
If you’ve ever seen a Supreme store on the day of a new clothing drop, you know how annoying such an event can be. The east coast-founded streetwear clothiers recently launched an epic collaboration with Nike to try to breathe new life into the classic basketball footwear model of choice, the Nike Air Foamposite 1. Because sneaker heads have a heart attack anytime Nike or Supreme releases any product, it was no surprise that New York City lost its goddamn mind over the joint collection. The collab, which features brocade-print sneakers, jerseys, and basketball shorts in both black and red, was slated to go on sale at midnight at Supreme's Lafayette Street location, but when crowds began to swell, the NYPD shut the whole thing down because of “concerns for public safety,” which sounds a little shady if you ask me. But there wasn't much to worry about, because the next morning NYC residents were able to purchase the collection on the store’s website—this time without having to worry about being pepper sprayed in the face by New York City’s finest.
LULULEMON SPRAY-ON YOGA PANTS GAG
The extremely overpriced, butt crack-revealing activewear label Lululemon played a fairly decent April Fool's Day prank by announcing they were selling spray-on yoga pants. (If you’re bored btw, please see girlsinyogapants.com.) The brand, which no one can afford to sweat their asses off in, poked fun at their already see-through workout leggings by posting the fake product on their site and slapping a $1,200 price tag on it. This wasn’t an original idea. A week before, Jimmy Kimmel aired a segment spoofing the nearly naked pants, which quickly went viral. That said, it’s really refreshing, and almost respectful, that a company as seemingly stuffy as Lululemon has a sense of humor, especially since everyone always makes fun of them for their poorly made, abhorrently expensive gear.
Follow Annette on Twitter.