On Behalf of All Newfoundlanders, I Accept Tom Mulcair’s Apology for Saying ‘Newfie’

Just wanted to let you know it means a lot that you apologized for using "Newfie" as a synonym for "stupid" in a parliamentary pissing contest with a péquiste 20 years ago. No, really. It was nice.

I'll level with you. I'm not going to pretend I wasn't miffed when I first heard about it. I mean I always sort of assumed politicians upalong thought we were stupid, but it's another thing to see it written out all formal in Hansard like that. Chalk it up to me being another Newf naif, I suppose.

I know our peoples have had their differences. We know you guys are still a little raw that the English pigdogs in London gave us Labrador back in '27, and we're still a little raw about that whole Upper Churchill thing back in '69. Quel frigging dommage, the lot of it. But dwelling on the past is a kind of living death and I'm willing to put all this behind me if you are.

I understand that you probably didn't see the harm. Newfies have been billed as Confederation's comic relief since day one and, although I personally don't care for the word, I can't begrudge a man for wanting to get in on the fun.

Despite what you might hear from some people, it's not equivalent to that other N-word. Lots of people wear it as a point of pride. I'm sure if you went into any two-bit tourist trap in St. John's or out along the TCH you'd notice that we ourselves are kings of the Newfie joke. Buddy of mine got a great one for his car—it's this little plastic provincial flag you hang on your rearview and when you flip it over it's a mirror that says, "Newfie I.D.: Yes b'y, dat's me!"

Funny, hey? Laugh and a fucking half. That's just how we are, though: fun. Goofy. Jovial, even. Jolly and generous and simple, salt-of-the-earth people who love fee 'n chee and Pineapple Crush and welfare cheques and alcoholism.

Haha jokes! Always jokes. I'm just fooling around with ya Tom b'y. Can't have nothing with a Newfie, let me tell you.

But, seriously. No hard feelings. Let he who has not said some dumb shit in decades past cast the first stone, and all that. And it was a little cheap for the Liberals to dig this piece of Quebec-baiting up in the first place. The Liberals! It was never caught on tape, but I can guarantee you young Justin and his father shared uglier thoughts about us around the dinner table at 24 Sussex. And then there's Stephen Harper. Gentle Jesus. Motherfucker could care less about us and our "culture of defeatism." I don't doubt he's of like mind with Margaret Wente's quip that we're home to the world's "most scenic welfare ghetto."

So, look: As far as Mainland politicians shitting all over us go, you could do a lot worse. And if you've still got Ryan "the fighting Newfoundlander" Cleary on side with you even after Newfiegate, then your apology is sincere enough for me. I don't really care what you say as much as I care what you do, to be honest. So if your apology is genuine, just promise me that when you do eventually fuck us—and you will, because all federal governments throw us under the bus whenever the interests of our seven seats run up against any of the other 331—just be a little less gleeful about it than the current crowd.

I don't think that's too much to ask. I mean, we're not idiots. We're Newfoundlanders.

Follow Drew Brown on Twitter.