David Lynch recently told the Huffington Post that for years, in addition to the massive quantity of coffee he drank in diners, the filmmaker also gulped down more than 20 cups of instant coffee (specifically out of Styrofoam cups) a day. Everyone knows instant coffee is fucking disgusting, including Lynch, but his mantra is “Any coffee is better than no coffee.”
Lynch recently released his own signature blend of coffee beans in House Blend, Decaf French Roast, and Espresso Roast varieties, and because I am Super Fan No. 1, I ordered a five-pound bag of the House Blend and set out to see if I could drink 20 cups of the stuff in one day just like my hero.
I figured my little experiment would go OK because, like Lynch, I love coffee in an obsessive way. But as I discovered, jumping from three cups a day to 20 is something that needs to be done gradually. I made it to 11 before I had to stop and switch over to chewing ice cubes and taking handfuls of aspirin to calm my burning stomach and throbbing head. The other major side effect was having to “go to the bathroom” in ways I’ve never experienced.
Here’s a breakdown of how things went:
Cups 1-3: This is great. Coffee tastes good. I’m probably going to buy this David Lynch coffee for the rest of my life and swear to never drink anything else.
Cups 4-6: Is it weird that my pee feels thick and my armpits are literally shooting out streams of sweat like I’m in a cartoon?
Cups 7-9: I’m getting really, really sick of shitting. There’s no poop left in my body.
Cups 10-11: Dying. My body is sweating coffee out of every pore, and my tongue feels like the inside of a rotting cat. I can hear my heart pounding in my ears, and the headache I’m experiencing is making me want to impregnate my body inside someone’s unsuspecting uterus and then abort myself. I’m never drinking coffee again. But if I do it will definitely be David Lynch coffee, which I’m pretty sure makes you—or at least your colon—weirder with every cup.
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