Unlike most web stores where there are set rules and regulations regarding what you can pawn, on Etsy you can take a moose turd, dunk it in resin, and slap a $10.99 price tag on it and no one is going to say a damn thing about it to you. In fact someone will probably think, “Wow, what a great keychain!” and reach for their wallet. But I’m not interested in sharing any of my plebian possessions with the eccentrics who cruise the site as obsessively as I do. I prefer to waste my time browsing through crap, uttering “What the fuck?” under my breath, and shooting looks of disgust to no one as I try to wrap my head around the various trends that appear to develop out of nowhere. Here are some of the items I spent far too much time trying to understand this week.
In case you didn’t know, Merpeople are the lamest mythological creatures ever, so association automatically retards anyone who worships these prudes of the sea. Still, some people seem to think that fishy women are sexy so a mermaid tail could come in handy during foreplay if you can avoid drowning. Additionally, if you hate your kids, buying them an Aquatail would be a great way of killing them without getting caught.
Felted Mermaid Conjoined Twins
According to the creator of this piece it is “the perfect anniversary toy for a booblovin' hubby.” I’d think a real man would find more joy setting this on fire and getting his hands on some real tits down at the strip club. I’ve never been married, nor have I ever found myself fantasizing about a naked David the Gnome and his wife Lisa, so what do I know?
Fat Felt Mermaids with Saggy Tits
It’s like these sellers can’t stand to have a piece of felt lying around without turning it into a fucking mermaid! The unifying pear-shaped saggy-tit theme is so overwhelming that I have a sneaking suspicion these dolls were modeled after the artist herself.
Slutty Mermaid Doll
I’m only including this doll because it looks like a demonic Miley Cyrus or Peg Bundy…
Two Headed Baby Pill Box
If you’re going to draw attention to yourself by carrying a pillbox you might as well have one with a two-headed baby on it. Could discourage thieves from swiping your ‘scripts or just help keep people away from you in general, fearing that you’re genuinely sick in the head. Freak.
Conjoined Twins Finger Puppet
Finger Puppets are creepy, and even the third boob on this conjoined twins hand-doll almost wasn’t enough to sway my vote. That is until I scoped out the rest of the Knitty Titties web shop and found naked Jayne Mansfield, Siouxie & The Banshee, and Joan from Mad Men puppets. They even have removable bras… actually, this store gets an A+++
The thought of having a baby is scary enough without having to worry that it’s going to come punching out of your vagina like the Kool-Aid guy with two terrifying melon heads. The only person buying this or this seller’s fucked up Sphinx baby is Aphex Twin.
Omar Little Felt Finger Puppet
There never has been nor will there ever be a more perfect combo of felt and puppet than this Omar Little creation. Not only does it look exactly like the best character in television history ever, he also happens to be wearing a bulletproof vest. Fuck yeah, I want a one-of-a-kind finger doll of a scar-faced, crack-stealing, gun-toting homo. I just wish he had a shotgun and a pillowcase full of fake crack. Might even buy Bill Murray, Bob Ross, Larry David, and Willie Nelson because in a perfect world they'd all be best friends.
(UPDATE: Some jerk bought this before I got around to it.)
Cocaine Wall Art & Cutting Board
The caption says that this coke tray is to be purchased for entertainment purposes only, which I guess makes sense if by “entertainment purposes” they mean, “hoovering fat ass lines with your face.” Only a massive tweaker would think about making something like this, even if it’s just supposed to be just a joke. Good idea, but you just outted yourself big time.
This is the kind of stuff my mom would probably buy just so she could leave it around the house for kicks during the holidays. All jokes aside, it is pretty nice and would make a great ashtray. Too bad the rest of this seller's store is full of dorky trash like glass dick pins with cat whiskers on them.