The decorations are up, you've burnt all your furniture for extra warmth, and soon it'll be socially acceptable to have pigs in blankets drowned in eggnog for breakfast. Only thing is, you've forgotten that you need to buy thoughtful shit for your family and friends or Christmas morning will be more awkward than that time you spent it with the parents of your latest one night stand.
Everything about December says you should be tucked away indoors. The last thing you wanna be doing is body-slamming a motherfucker onto the slushy ground outside the perfume pop-up shop for the last squeezy of Davidoff hand lotion while Mariah Carey whimpers gently in the background. So what do you need to get the inevitable panic shopping done as quickly and as painlessly as possible? Well, you could use the internet. But if that plan falls through, why not try ingesting some balls of unbridled caffeine fury instead?
Crazy Christmas Caffeine Cake Pops
There are a jillion ADHD-tastic variations on cake pops, all delicious, all requiring dental cavity treatment, and all soon to be robbed of their legal status. Nothing’s stopping you from lacing your own version of this with methamphetamines, but I went for a family-friendly cake base and flavored mine with Lindsay Lohan’s life blood (i.e., Red Bull).
½ cup of flour
½ cup of sugar
¼ cup of cocoa
½ cup of Red Bull
2 x egg
3 x tablespoons of milk
3 x tablespoons of oil
1 x teaspoon of vanilla extract
1 x serving spoon buttercream frosting
2 x big bars of chocolate…any chocolate
SPRINKLES Step 1.
Make a cake. Like all the other times I’ve told you. Christ. Step 2.
Slowly fold in the Red Bull, don’t go cray-cray with a whisk, you want to keep some caffeine bubbles in there. Step 3.
Cook in your bomb new cake mould at 200c for half an hour(ish). Step 4.
Once baked, leave to cool right down, like, till it’s gone as stale and hard as Christmas Day is now that you're an "adult." Step 5.
Now hack your hard work into pieces. Step 6.
Use a hand blender or brute force and a cheese grater to pound the entire cake into a pile of crumbs. Step 7.
Once the crumbs are done, you need to plop in the buttercream icing. This is the sugar cement that will hold your pops together. I made my frosting by buying it from a shop.
Roll your diabetes glue into perfectly equal globes. Chill until firm; soft balls will equal a lame, lazy mess that lacks the stamina to stay erect on your lolly sticks. Step 9.
Once chilled, you can melt your chocolate ready for dipping. Step 10.
OK, I couldn’t find any lolly sticks in my house so I just skewered my saccharine bundles of reindeer poop on cocktail stirrers. Step 11.
Balls lanced, dunk into the chocolate, and lather completely. Step 12.
While still wet, the world is your cake pop's oyster. You can sprinkle them in whatever glitter, jelly tots, or coffee granules you feel like. Once this window of opportunity has slammed shut, leave to set overnight.
By the morning time, you’ll wake up to a platter of perfectly formed go-faster snacks. Aren't they magical? And, if that’s not impressive enough already, they’re totally portable so you can keep yourself pumped for rabbit-punching slow walking Christmas shoppers in the back of the head all through the day.
Previously: Girl Eats Food - Beef Steak in Banana Sauce