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Celebrity Fad Alert: Crotch-Eating Children

You'll never make the A-list if your kid isn't a lesbian.
February 2, 2012, 8:45pm

You know that whole thing about how being a gay man is disgusting, but being a lesbian is the coolest? Well, it’s true! And as the years tick by, lesbianism is surpassing its tradition as a tried and true pastime of actual lesbians, and is gaining celebrity endorsements as being something you should hope for your children to excel at, like learning a foreign language early and getting into a respected private kindergarten. Having pussy-licking daughters is way cooler than having a pure breed poodle, or even a gluten allergy (although you should aspire to have those things as well). It’s important to have a well-rounded life, and walk a steady path towards what you know will give you that life. Sorry, gay men, eating butts isn’t included in that. Well, lesbians eat butts too sometimes, but everyone knows that lady butts taste way better and that they giggle the whole time while chowing down, which is fine and adorable.  LESBIANS RULE! GAY MEN DROOL! BIRTH A LESBO ASAP!

Gwyneth Paltrow opened her mouth and said words in public, with no one around to help or stop her, telling Harper’s Bazaar that while pregnant with her daughter Apple, she just knew for sure that her daughter would grow up to be a butch lesbian. Well, Apple has been alive for a while now, and no one has seen her change the oil in anyone’s car, and she hasn’t been writing “fleece things only, please” on her Christmas lists, so now Gwyneth is hoping that she’ll at least end up being a lipstick lesbian. For those who don’t understand the difference: having a daughter who is a butch lesbian is preferred because butchies can sometimes pass as men and get really high paying jobs and less awkward lap dances at strip places, and they’re also usually really good at math. Lipstick lesbians, are 2nd best on the list of homo tendencies to force upon your child, because it’s like, whatever, “Yay, I’m attractive and can fuck girls without getting beat up or yelled at by passersby.” Big whoop. But at least lipstick lesbians don’t have to be fat. Having a fat kid sucks up SO MUCH of a family’s disposable income, which blows.

In an attempt to circumvent the failure that Paltrow’s family is suffering, Angelina Jolie is taking a hands-on approach in ensuring that her daughter, Shiloh, is for sure a lesbian by giving her a lesbian haircut (varying throughout the years from Brad Pitt in Meet Joe Black to what it looks like now, which is more Brad in Kalifornia) and making her wear ill-fitting blazers. It’s embarrassing enough that Shiloh is the only one of Brad and Angelina’s 15 children to actually have passed through Angie’s womb, thus being born white, and therefore, LAME, but she’s also got cherubic lips and is blonde. No one is having blonde white kids these days. No one.

In a recent interview with the UK’s Daily Mail, Angelina said “She likes to dress like a boy. She wants to be a boy. So we had to cut her hair. She likes to wear boys' everything. She thinks she's one of the brothers.” She went on to add that they’ve drawn the line at Shiloh going out of the house in blackface, though, because she knows society isn’t ready for that… yet.