Surviving a natural disaster is all about preparation. Beyond the immediate physical things, like for example, collecting massive quantities of preserved food or sharpening your longbow skills, you’re also going to need to prepare your mind and its capacity to be totally resilient to the dissolution of society and all the crazy shit that entails. So if a sandstorm wipes out your city or Hurricane Katrina Part Two, here’s a quick rundown of some stuff you can do to prepare yourself. Listen to the wise words of Kara Crabb, amateur survival expert.
Lesson #1 Start drinking undrinkable water
Everyone cares so much about water filtration these days- why? It only makes your immune system weaker and less resistant to the pernicious pathogens that will inevitably infect you when your town becomes a disaster zone. It’s better to start now than to shock your system into accidentally killing yourself later. Baby steps! Slowly start filling your body with as many toxins as you can handle. See a rusty tap? Suckle it like a teat. See a body of water that looks polluted? Take a dip! Visiting Mexico? Drink up (and don’t be afraid of Hep B ice cubes!), because it will honestly only benefit you later. Don’t think in the moment about the throwing up or bleeding from your asshole or whatever, this is long term shit that will save your life.
Lesson #2 Learn how to hunt
If you are hungry enough, you will find a way to kill the thing you need to eat. But if you are smart enough, you’ll be hunting things already so that when the time comes you won’t look like such a newb. This will give you credibility in the post-disaster community, and it will give you muscles. Try, for instance, urban trapping. There are plenty of squirrels, birds, and alley cats at your disposal each and every day. If you can get started on perfecting the squirrel-kabob now, people will eventually stop criticizing you and rather be drawn to your mastery, sing your praises, and champion you as the disaster zone M.V.P. Funny how quickly social conventions can change when everything falls to shit.
Kara lulls some dinner into a sense of safety before she strikes.
Lesson #3 Develop an endurance for thermal discomfort
Doesn’t this sound fun? Get into a hot tub, jump into a snow bank, repeat. Lock yourself in an industrial freezer until it feels so cold that it actually starts to feel hot and you instinctively start stripping- then try to fight the instinct! It’s no secret that the environment likes to play tricks on people. A tsunami turns into a forest fire turns into an ice age, and whatever else I heard on the Discovery channel. Despite what meteorology proposes to do, weather is actually completely unpredictable when you think about it. The one thing that we can really count on is that it’s going to be shitty and our bodies are going to be confused about it.
Lesson #4 Manifest the saying “crazy overpowers strength”
This is probably the most important lesson of all. In a social space where territory has been made anarchic, as with any environmentally damaged area, defense mechanisms will be of utmost concern. Almost all of the time, crazy overpowers strength. What does that mean? Someone tries to fuck with your shit; you take it to the next level by going Tyson on their ass. This would entail:
a. Being able to lose your mind in a matter of milliseconds. Think of it as a light switch. There’s no time for hesitance or slow progression. Also, maybe more importantly, make sure that you’ll be able to turn the switch back off again. Be in control of your ability to lose control!
b. Throwing in as many “wildcards” as you possibly can.
Randomizing your actions, like throwing arbitrary objects at them, will confuse the opponent and ultimately distract them long enough for you to throw a wild haymaker.
c. Losing yourself in animalistic behavior.
Literally “animalistic.” Barking, growling, throwing your own feces into the air, frothing at the mouth. This goes beyond mere intimidation. This surfaces on the plane of cool, which in the mind of the opponent is far more affective than any participatory attempt at exhibiting strength.
Kara properly demonstrating how to "randomize your actions."
PS! Some other basic skills you could learn:
Climbing, friendliness (followed by backstabbing), actual stabbing, holding your breath for a long time, and shape shifting. It’s all very tangible. All it takes is future planning, and with enough of it you’re guaranteed to be indestructible! Look out Mad Max!