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DEAR VICE - PREPARING THE BROWN PANTS

OK, I know we always joke around like, "Oh man, whoever wrote this letter is really creepy," or "This is the scariest letter we've ever got," when what we really mean is the person who wrote this is an idiot but also a little weird. Well, we feel bad for crying wolf all those times, because now we have received a letter that meets all our criteria for a genuine Yikes…

Awkward repetition of full names? Malapropisms that don't even conform to standard malaprop-logic? Absence of contractions (otherwise known as Sesamespeak)? Check, check, and shudder-inducing check. Couple that with references "members of the system" and, oh, I don't know, basing the whole letter on a fucking article about stalking, and you have officially set the back of our necks to permachill. And in case you're wondering, that is not a baby's hand holding the letter in the picture--the thing was printed on a sheet of 11x24 paper then folded five times to fit in a normal-sized envelope. Oh, and she dated her signature (that didn't strike us as weird until just now--think about it for a little while).

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"Dear Vice Magazine,

My name is Shana [last name redacted]. I have been an advocate reader of your zine for the past nine years now and want to thank you for producing reading material that not only suits my style, but out right makes me laugh and feel connected to an authored publication based in today's society (an to top it off, your zine's are free). There is one article in particular I found most amusing, and it was that in which I found myself writing you to address.

"Stalking for Beginners (How to Ruin Someone's Life)", from the volume 12 number 10. I first picked up this issue some time late 2005, after looking at the images and reading the "Do's & Dont's", finally sat down to read the articles Spring 2006. Through the pages of the zine, as usual I found myself enthralled with the imagery, ads, and articles, though this one in particular article must say made me laugh my ass off.

I happened to pull the zine out of my bag during a lecture in my 100 level graphic design class, as not to die from the monotone boredom my instructor was to ensue on me. As I leafed through and read the article "Stalking for Beginners (How to Ruin Someone's Life)", I immediately thought of several tricks to play on friends, that didn't necessarily have anything to do with the article, as I was simply identifying with some ones crazy intent of screwing with another person, without the slightest thought of consequence.

As I progressed through the article, I noticed my crush, who mind you happened to be sitting next to me at the time, peer over my shoulder to see what I am reading. I suppose the fact that you now label your articles in huge bright pink letters tipped him off, because he instantly popped back on his side of the double seated table, and poured his attention into his text book. I then soon realized that he must have thought I was trying to stalk him, as the day before I tracked him down on myspace and sent him a message, providing my contact information, stating that he and I should get together to review designs for our soon coming presentation. In order to make it apparent to him that I was not stalking him, I stated out loud in a some what overly mundane idiotic tone "Oh Vice and their crazy articles you know," and surprisingly he had heard of you, thus making it apparent that I wasn't truly reading some article on how to stalk him personally.

Overall, I must admit this article not only entertained me, but changed the way I look at a couple of things in life. For starters, not only did it embarrass the crap out of me when my crush saw what I ws reading, but it struck up a conversation, and ultimately brought the two of us together. The way I see it I am ultimately thrilled that your writing team has an excellent taste for journalism, and a style that I can connect with. But for the future I think I will stop sending random messages to people on myspace, without the consent as to whether or not that are even a member of the system. As for you, Vice Magazine, keep up the good work with your random somewhat illegal adventures, the material that you miraculously create from it is what keeps me reading. And thanks for being FREE!

Sincerely,
SHANA
03-05-07"