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MELBOURNE - A FEW NON-ANSWERS FROM HERMAN LI OF DRAGONFORCE

Herman Li is the guitarist and master of Microsoft Metal from the band Dragonforce. You may have heard about these Nintendo ragers from your little sister or the virgin you work with that loves Guitar Hero 3. Last night I had a chance to talk with Herman over the phone about his new record, Ultra Beatdown, his Jui-Jitsu habit and whether or not he thought Dave Mustaine was an utter pussy for being born-again, and got a cornucopia of nonsense. He was nice at least and said "fag" a lot. That counts for something in my book.

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Uncle Sharkey: Hey Herman, How's it going?
Herman Li: Pretty good. I just woke up, I been sleeping a lot. No, I haven't been sleeping a lot. That's weird. So are you ready to talk some shit?
Well, you know now bands don't call people out in the press. It's not like it was back in the day. Nowadays no one really talks shit about people and calls them fags and shit.

I see you train in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu five days a week. Have you ever had to actually beat the shit out of someone?
Nah, I'm a pretty laid back guy. I know that in competition you have to rip peoples' heads off, but I'm pretty laid back. Competition wants to bring the metal out in me!

I mean have you ever had to kick someone's ass at a gig, maybe?
Well, you know, sometimes when we play, people will give us the finger and yell "YOU SUCK" and shit, but after every gig we go out and drink with the crowd and those people who yell at us are scared and are little fags, you know. We like to drink with the crowd.

That's cool, I guess. So, I've read that the press likes to come up with different genre names for Dragonforce like, "Microsoft Metal" and "Journey meets Slayer metal". Do you have a favorite bogus genre name for your tunes?
Well, in an interview today, I thought of a new genre name for us. You know, dudes like our music. Dudes are into, like, football and drinking and video games, but girls aren't really into video games. But some are. I think that helps us with chicks, as well. So yeah. dudes, like our music.

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I meant do you have a favorite genre name?
Extreme Power Metal.

All right, since you brought up chicks. How do you gents fare out there on tour with the ladies?
Well, most of our gigs are, like, 50% dudes and, like, 20% chicks. I mean I was once told the more chicks that are at your shows, the more successful you are. There are about 20% chicks at our shows. That's from the Guitar Hero game. Chicks love that game. We were popular before that game but now it's really made more people like us and made us a household name.

That's cool, Herman. So you're on Roadrunner Records with Megadeth. Do you think Dave Mustaine is a pussy for going born-again-Christian and do you think he's sullying the band's name as a prominent metal act?
Well, you know, I haven't really talked to him enough but some people are into sports and some people are into video games and some people are into God.

What about Nickelback? They suck, right?
No, I've never met those guys.

Ok, last question (thank god). What do you think Beavis and Butthead would think of your videos? Yay or Nay?
Well, our type of music wasn't trendy when that show was on so they would probably say you know "Hey Beavis, this SUCKS, HUH HUH, HUH HUH!" and say we were fags or some shit like that. They would've thought we were fags because we weren't trendy in the nineties.

OK, goodnight, Herman.
See ya, John.

THE LATE JSIII