Ed Balls, the iPod shuffling, trainer wearing government minister sent to us from the bowels of mediocrity, has brought out a new, jaw-slackeningly stupid guide to help us all have a safer Christmas, entitled 'Tis the Season to be Careful'. The Secretary for Children informs parents across the land that you can cut yourself by opening presents quickly with knives and that young children may "accidentally" cycle into walls on their new bikes. Clearly the man has plunged thousands of pounds into one of the most breathtaking insights into drug fuelled paranoia ever seen. At every turn there's calamity, danger and possible death.Baubles – They will smash into a thousand razor-sharp pieces, cutting your hands, blinding your grandma and slicing an amateur tracheotomy through your windpipe.Drinks – Left alone for a second, and an almost empty glass of cava will instantly transform into a festive gateway to the alcoholic poisoning of many many toddlers .Trees – When they fall, they take no mercy, burying whole families for weeks until only the rising stench of rotting flesh and pine alerts their neighbours.Drunk Uncles – They'll fall off their chair, slice their heads open on a corner cabinet and then stumble around the house squirting the contents of their arteries over your sleeping babes.Scissors – Try to use them as a makeshift screwdriver and you'll end up stabbing yourself through the wrist. Fact.Now, what Balls has grossly misunderstood here, is that Christmas is a day for suicide. When the poisonous family arguments, the claustrophobic squeeze of a paper hat, the acrid smell of brandy and Del Boy falling through the bar for the thousandth time all get too much for you, then by Santa, you'll be glad of some fairy lights to chew on and a bike on which to ride at a wall. So Balls, take your advent-style mercy leaflets and fuck off out of my Lapland. When Santa comes down my chimney, I plan to be face down in the bath with a toaster round my neck and a hand on the switch.NELL FRIZZELL
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