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Vice Blog

FASHION ISSUE EXTRA - WARM AND COLORFUL CLEFT

I dressed like an utter shit sack when I was little. My mom gave up on trying to make me constantly leave the house looking like an American flag around the age of seven, at which point I decided it would be a great idea to nonstop dress like an actual retard. I had humongous brown glasses, a gap in my teeth the size of a driveway, bleached blonde hair (momma always wanted a blonde baby!) and basically looked like a chipmunk. I was pretty happy to walk around in Batman t-shirts with my scabby legs poking out of some hacked up jean shorts--and then I decided to get fancy and make my mom buy me some Hypercolor gear.

You remember Hypercolor shit if you were alive in the 80s. Now they're calling it "thermochromatic" fabric or something. It wasn't a good idea then so I have no idea why anyone would ever bring it back. If you were a girl and put on a purple Hypercolor t-shirt, in five minutes flat you'd have pink armpits and pink rings under your boobs. One day I tried out my new Hypercolor shorts at school. By lunch time I was just resigned to walking around with a hot pink crotch and butthole. It looked like I was wearing purple shorts with a pink harness on over them.

It was a total day of hell with actual pointing and laughing. My little boyfriend Ryan Mozier asking why my crotch was so hot. (Nice.) And then a few of my girlfriends told me I had sweaty pits. To defend myself I started off with the basics such as "shut up, doofus face," and then I tried to demonstrate over and over how that was what they were supposed to do. Like I'd blow on the shirt to make it change colors. I mean, crotches and buttholes are just always hot and moist! Why would anyone make a line of clothing to highlight this? Everyone, stay away from this shit.

KELLY McCLURE