Somebody better channel the ghost of Christopher Hitchens and politely let the specter know that the entirety of his life's work was, in fact, in vain. After all, even the most hardened of New Atheists would be forced to give pause and rethink a thing or two after being confronted with the incontrovertible evidence of an omnipotent higher being that has, just this past week, been delivered unto mankind.
Yes, the powers at be have miraculously graced the pitiable inhabitants of Earth with a Flamin' Hot Cheeto doppelganger of Harambe the gorilla (RIP)—and boy, is it glorious.
Since appearing on eBay, the mystifying Cheeto has shaken many a person to their core and opened the floodgates with a deluge of questions, including these: Has Harambe's untimely death led to him being reincarnated as a snack? Would the soul of Harambe, which is undoubtedly trapped inside the Cheeto, be transferred to the person who eats said Cheeto? And, oh yeah, who in the fuck is crazy enough to drop thousands upon thousands of dollars for a single Cheeto, no matter its shape?
RECIPE: Cheeto Mac and Cheese
The enigmatic post appeared on eBay on January 28, and over the course of ten days, bids for the Cheeto went from $11.99 to the selling price of $99,900, a price that doesn't include the bag the Cheeto was found in.
— Fat Kid Deals (@FatKidDeals) February 6, 2017
Take that, shower curtain with a mold stain in the shape of Jesus!
The description for the eBay post reads as follows: "I opened up a bag of Flamin' Hot Cheetos and as soon as I looked inside I came across this unique Cheetos that looks like Harambe the gorilla. This item is one of a kind! It measures up to about 1 1/2 inches in length. This item up for bid is only for this unique Cheetos, bag not included. This makes a great collectible for anyone who appreciates rare items!"
For those of you without internet connections, Harambe was a gorilla that lived at the Cincinnati Zoo and Botanical Garden. In May of last year, a three-year old boy climbed into the gorilla enclosure and was grabbed and dragged by Harambe for several minutes as onlookers watched. A zoo worker shot and killed Harambe in what many people said was an overabundance of caution.
Could it be that Harambe is back, wreaking revenge on the mere mortal who will spend way too much lucre on his reincarnated, snack-food soul?
Looks like George Costanza was right on the mark when he said, "Sometimes in life, the gods smile upon you, my friends." Harambe lives on, even if he is covered in cheesy orange dust.