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Mitt Romney Will Be Our Oil King, So Help Him God

Mitt Romney may not know a hell of a lot about energy, but he does remember that people seemed to enjoy raising their fists into the air and yelling the words 'Drill, Baby, Drill.' He'd always wished that he could be onstage at one those rallies; those...

Mitt Romney may not know a hell of a lot about energy, but he does remember that people seemed to enjoy raising their fists into the air and yelling the words ‘Drill, Baby, Drill.’ He’d always wished that he could be onstage at one those rallies; those people looked so excited. He also recalls that people appeared to enjoyed the film ‘There Will be Blood’. And he knows that every president since Nixon has promised to lead the nation to “energy independence,” and that repeating those words very well may make him sound presidential.

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And thus, Mitt Romney’s plan to provide America with electricity and motor fuel was born. Here is an abridged version of that plan: drill as many giant holes into the United States as possible, and drain it of its oil and gas. And do it now.

Essentially, Mitt Romney’s ideas about energy are identical to that of a 1900s oil baron. In his own words, here’s the “Romney Agenda,” from the executive summary of the energy plan he released today:

  • Empower states to control onshore energy development;
  • Open offshore areas for energy development;
  • Pursue a North American Energy Partnership;
  • Ensure accurate assessment of energy resources;
  • Restore transparency and fairness to permitting and regulation; and
  • Facilitate private-sector-led development of new energy technologies.

Here’s what all that means in actuality: Romney wants to grant each state the right to fast-track oil and gas development projects, without having to wait for the federal government to do boring stuff like determine whether or not they’ll end up spilling all over the place. He’ll lead a charge for more offshore drilling, starting in Virginia, because offshore drilling has been working out so well for us lately. He’ll unite Canada and Mexico and the United States under the glorious banner of oil, ostensibly allowing us to guzzle down more Mexican crude and Canadian tar sands bitumen. He’ll approve the Keystone XL, the 1,700 pipeline that would pump unrefined ‘dilbit’ oil from Alberta, Canada to the American Gulf Coast. And it will be Good.

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He’ll remove hurdles from the permitting process and relax pollution rules, allowing oil and gas projects to go ahead faster. Relaxed rules and easy permits, mixed with the always-intensifying search for new oil deposits, encourages high risk drilling like Deepwater Horizon. Again, that one ended like this:

For a guy who goes on and on about how we need smaller government, he’s still cool with using your tax bucks to pay for oil exploration—Romney wants to use federal funding for seismic surveying, in order to help uber-rich oil companies locate new oily hotspots. Meanwhile, he would end all federal assistance to renewable energy; he’d let the tax break for wind power expire while instead spending funds to aid Exxon.

But fear not! Mitt Romney, your benevolent oil king, would still seek to “facilitate private-sector-led development of new energy technologies,” which translates into exactly what it sounds like: bullshit. It means Mitt Romney would tolerate it if some private corporations wanted to try investing in cleantech, but would do precisely nothing to assist the kind of energy projects we actually need to be pursuing.

Furthermore, his energy plan doesn’t even acknowledge the existence of climate change—a little phenomenon that’s turned 62% of the U.S. into a scorching hell jr. this summer precisely because we’ve been too much of a certain kind of energy. But global warming doesn’t even get a mention.

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Here’s what does make the cut, according to the League of Conservation Voters, who scoured the text of the Romney Agenda late last night:

Mentions of Oil: 154
Mentions of Wind: 10 (5 of them Negatively)
Mentions of Solar: 14 (4 of them Negatively)
Mentions of Wind Energy Production Tax Credit: 0
Mentions of Climate Change: 0
Mentions of Romney's Plan to Continue Oil Subsidies: 0
Mentions of Oil and Gas Interests Donating More Than $2,600,000 to His Campaign: 0
Mentions of Koch Brothers Pledging to Spend $200,000,000+ to Elect Him: 0

The plan is bizarre, and then it’s not. It describes a mid-20th century fantasy world, where oil is abundant and relatively easily accessible. Where burning hydrocarbons poses no known risk. That world no longer exists. Really, Romney just wants to pander to the oil-cheering faithful; those simpletons who actually think we can drill our way to energy “freedom.” We can’t. There’s not enough oil left in the nation to get us anywhere close to cutting off foreign imports. So it all amounts to a heap of red meat for the right—key words like ‘energy independence’ and ‘offshore drilling’ and restoring ‘fairness’ to ‘regulations’ pour forth from its dull pages. Romney wouldn’t actually care if the plan focused on thorium power or coal or cold fusion or whatever—he’ll say whatever’s necessary to win. But his team says drilling is in, and thus, Romney will be the oil king, so help him God.

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