The year has only just begun. It's not even spring yet, but I already know that Marina Malygina is going to win the award for most disgusting invention of 2015. She created a condom that smells like pizza, giving the term 'food porn' a whole new dimension.
Food can be erotic. I wouldn't mind licking an oyster from my flame's belly button, or doing something exciting with strawberries and whipped cream, but this is the complete opposite of sexy.
Imagine that your boyfriend—after having 'pre-heated your oven'—opens a ridiculously small pizza box. And then, when he's finally managed to take the condom out and put it on, the whole room starts to smell of molten cheese and salami.
I understand that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, but this takes it a bit too far. I don't need my boyfriend to show me the ins and outs of pizza. Seriously, I love a good cheese-dripping slice, but not so much that I want to take it to bed and make love to it. When I decided to call the pizza condom designer and ask her why in god's name she thought the world needs this, I discovered that she thinks that her invention is as disturbingly gross as I do.
Based in Moscow, Marina designs crazy things that often have to do with food. The idea behind the pizza condom was inspired by an episode of Friends in which Phoebe asks: "If you had to give up sex or food, which would you pick?" Monica without a doubt keeps food (sorry, Chandler), but Joey has seemingly just been asked the most difficult question of his life: "OK… sex. No, food… No, uh… I want both!"
With that giant life dilemma in mind, Marina got started on designs. On her website she writes: "What is sex? Fun and pleasure! What else can give us these feelings? Of course, food!" But when I asked Marina on the phone about her enthusiasm and predilection for pizza, she admitted with a giggle: "Pizza and sex together—that's just weird and incredibly disgusting." We spent the next ten minutes having an intercontinental laughing session during which we mocked the hell out of her invention. "I wouldn't even want to try it out," she tells me after we finish discussing what it must feel like to have to wash the smell of pesto and mozzarella or ham and pineapple from our intimate parts.
Joey of Friends would probably be extremely psyched to try out the condom, but if you're planning on ordering a whole stash of these rubbers for music festivals this summer, you better think twice. Your flirt of the night will probably stop you long before you've even had a chance to put an extra topping on your pizza.
Women only want pizza in bed after sex, not during.
"I never expected people to be so interested," Marina said in a surprised tone, "but suddenly the pizza condom had become a mini sensation on the internet, and now a company has invested in it and they're actually going to make the condoms." Marina tells me that she gets a lot of fan mail from pizza fanatics, and that she thinks the condom is a funny present—as long as it's not for your parents.
The Russian designer usually designs more serious stuff, like a self-warming yoghurt package for kids. Toddlers are not crazy about warm food, but food that's too cold can result in sensitivity on their systems. Luckily, kids can heat Marina's Warm Me yoghurt pots with their hands and when the animal on the package changes color, it's ready to eat.
Not a single company has shown interest in this product until now. Investors think that there will be more demand for condoms that smell like fast food. I predict that Domino's could be a good client based on their 50 Shades of Grey sexy pizza advertisement earlier this year. Their spicy Sriracha pizza is supposed to be so spicy that your tongue (dressed in a BDSM-outfit) will suffer and enjoy it in the process.
Marina's pizza condom, delivered in a mini pizza box, would be a great little gadget for the loyal customers of Domino's— especially with a card that says:
'Thank you, cum again!'.