Hitler, Mussolini, Franco. Fascist leaders have been known to curtail all kinds of behavior in their citizens, including where they live, who they procreate with, and what movies they watch. But they pretty much agree on this: beer is good.
So what is it about New York City's municipal government? Why do they always want to tell us what we should drink?
You may remember the former Mayor Michael Bloomberg's attempt to ban the sale of super-sized sugary soft drinks in the city. Bloomberg wanted to nanny us away from sodas that were 16 ounces of more, but his so-called Sugary Drink Portion Cap Rule was struck down by New York's Court of Appeals. Today, we New Yorkers are free to double-fist Big Gulps and erect Surge waterfalls with reckless abandon. That is, if our ambition to become a precog by sleeping in a kiddie pool of Tab doesn't take up too much floor space. After all, this is New York.
And now Mayor Bill de Blasio's Commissioner of the Department of Health, Mary Bassett, has strongly advised New Yorkers to avoid that beloved bastion of freedom known as beer.
That's right, folks. Standing beside Mayor de Blasio at an emergency press conference, Bassett unabashedly decried the near-suicidal act of actually consuming caffeine and booze that could cause dehydration among those who must brave the summer sun for work.
"If you work outdoors, we've heard how important it is to stay hydrated. Avoid alcohol, caffeine," said Bassett, according to the New York Observer. Note that she said these words in Brooklyn—a place where beer and caffeinated beverages are pretty much all that residents drink.
But it seems as though the city's Orwellian undertaking didn't stop simply at denouncing doppios and pristinely frosty pints. Bassett also spoke out about the mind-shattering horrors of an ice-cold shower as well. "You can take a cool shower, not a freezing cold shower, because that may put … too much of a stress on your system. But a lukewarm shower that you're not terrified to step into, it's a good way to cool down," said Bassett. A terrifying shower!
New Yorkers have jumped on Twitter to complain about the commissioner.
A beer sommelier who calls himself "The Cervisaphile" tweeted: "Way to single out #beer @NYCMayorsOffice! I'm certain that the good people of #NYC can decide for themselves!" Someone named Lemuel White wrote "No beer?! Way to be a buzzkill madam health commissioner." We need to get George Clooney on this horrific act of human rights abuse, like, ASAP.
Man, all of this talk really has me thirsty for a beer. Cheers, New York, you beautiful nanny state, you.