Sex versus music is the Sophie’s choice of recreational time fillers. Sure you could technically live without them, but would you want to? Could you live the rest of your life without music? Imagine a Woody Allen movie without a clarinet to drown out the neurosis, a bad day without your go-to playlist, or never being able to unwind with your favourite album again. Or alternatively, consider a world where your genitals could never again barf in sexual pleasure.
We set out to see what people would lose if they had to choose. The results were pretty mixed, but the general vibe was people would rather sacrifice their first born than their me time.
VICE: Would you give up music or sex?
Andre: Oh man, that’s a tough one. They’re both pretty much commodities, but at the moment my sex life does not exist and my music life is great.
So music is always there for you even when people aren’t?
Yeah, pretty much, how sad am I?
Have you actually given up on sex already?
Well for now yeah, for now. I fap to my music.
Chloe: Definitely, I’d give up music. Sex is so good.
If you couldn’t listen to music everyday, what would you do instead?
Oh, I suppose I couldn’t just have sex everyday…
You could, would you qualify as a sex addict then?
Potentially, but is that a bad thing?
How would a party look without music?
Like an orgy.
Fraser: Music. Well, if you were stuck in a desert island without music it would be okay, but sex would make it better.
What would you do with all that free time that you spend listening to music?
I would probably be productive, I wouldn’t waste as much time.
What about when you’re 90-years-old or can’t have sex anymore?
Fuck, that’s a good point. I don’t know, probably take up a hobby.
Jonathan: Sex. I get more out of music than I get out of sex. Sex seems quite meaningless to me.
If you don’t have to worry about sex, will you become a fat music nerd?
Yeah why not, that would be fine. I don’t worry about having sex as it is.
If sex didn’t exist, then how would people reproduce?
I don’t know, cloning maybe?
Would you clone yourself?
How come? Are you a bit of a dick?
Well, not to everyone. My clone and me would probably fight each other—we’d be too similar.
Alex: That’s a hard one they’re both pretty essential to me. I listen to music everyday, and I want to have sex everyday.
Would you prefer to just die?
Maybe, actually yeah.
James: Don’t make me choose! I can’t live without either. If I had to pick one, which I never would, music I guess. This is cliché, but sex can be musical anyway!
What would the last song you would listen to before you have to give up music?
“Elderly woman behind a counter in a small town” by Pearl Jam.
Would you still go to festivals and concerts if you were deaf to the music?
Yeah for sure, I don’t drink and can still party when people are smashed and I’m not so same sort of thing I guess.
Sober and deaf partying, where’s the fun in that?
Well, I’d be having great sex.
What would a sober and deaf party be like?
Pretty awkward, I would just start making weird loud noises that don’t count as music so I could still listen to them and start appreciating them I guess.
Joe: Probably sex. It’s less accessible, it’s less diverse and in some ways, less fulfilling. Plus, music is so much more socially acceptable to get freaky with and push boundaries, you know?
What’s worse, having to sit through ten minutes of absolutely painful music, or ten minutes of terrible sex?
The music. I feel like sex can only be so terrible, whereas you can genuinely feel like music is offending you, is so upsetting. You could be listening to better music, whereas maybe you don’t always know you could be having better sex.
So it’s your last night of having sex and you’re hitting the town. Out of ten, what’s the lowest rating of girl you would tap?
That’s rough. If I’m out choosing a random, I might as well be going with a ten, hey? But if it’s the last night, I think prostitution could be and should always be an option! They’re there, just trying to make a living. I’ve got no problem with that.
Amelia: Well, what happens when we get old and you’re not having sex anymore?
Matilda: Nah, I’d still have a crack when I’m like 60 or 70! There’s a reason they made Viagra. Like, I gave up music for this.
Amelia: What about dildos? What about a guy with a dildo? What about butt touching?
Sorry, anything more than a French kiss isn’t allowed.
Matilda: Yup, music’s gotta go.
Amelia: I’m giving up sex. What about babies?
You can still have a baby. It’ll just appear like it does on The Sims.
Amelia: Wait, no sex and now I have a kid? Great.
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